Did You Discover that Your Partner Has Been Cheating?
- Are you emotionally shocked, hurt and overwhelmed after finding out that your partner has deceived you about having an affair?
- Are you feeling shattered, devastated and crazy?
- Every day, are you becoming more intensely angry, hateful and confused since uncovering the betrayal?
- Do you want to revive your relationship?
The Infidelity Dilemma
Your life may feel violated and threatened after discovering that you partner or spouse has been having an affair. You may be in disbelief and chaos. You may feel flooded with painful feelings, vengeful thoughts and wild suspicions. Infidelity hurts.
This is an agonizing and frightening time for you. You don’t know what to do, what to say or how to feel. Finding out about your partner’s cheating knocks you off balance and you can’t decide what action to take. You are trying to stay calm and centered but you are flooded by negative feelings, hostile thoughts and despicable images. You feel deeply wounded and heart-broken.
And now you can’t trust your partner because he/she has been lying and covering-up the truth. This deception, secrecy and surprise automatically triggers your worst fears and shatters your sense of security.
Although your partner has been scheming and living a double life, he/she may now be acting as if it’s not such a big deal. And you probably can’t talk openly any more without exploding or breaking down into tears. You may feel isolated and alone.
Infidelity is NOT Uncommon
Cheating in long-term relationships and marriages is more widespread than most people are aware. Some researchers believe that 20-40% of partners have sexual and emotional affairs outside their relationship. Many wander and stray. You are not alone.
Are There Different Types of Affairs?
Infidelity is complex because there are a number of different kinds of affairs:
- Marital Affairs
- Sexual Affairs
- Emotional Affairs
- Mixed Emotional & Sexual Affairs
- Affairs of Passion
- Retaliation/Revenge Affairs
- Cyber/Internet Affairs
- Philandering Affairs
- Loneliness Affairs
- Sexual Compulsion/Addiction Affairs
- Exit/Transition Affairs
Why Do People Have Affairs?
Men and women have different psychological motives for having emotional and sexual affairs. Acts of unfaithfulness are complex and have many different types of causes. When striving to overcome betrayal in couple therapy, we try to understand why it happened.
Can Therapy for Infidelity Help to Revive Relationships?
Yes! Research studies demonstrate that couple therapy after an affair can help partners to cool down, open up and discuss their reactions and situation. Even though the hurt partner may feel angry and vengeful and the unfaithful partner may be impatient and ambivalent, gradually they can both soften and begin to communicate honestly.
If fully engaged in therapy, the angry feelings eventually subside so that partners can let down their guard and communicate more authentically and effectively. When both partners accept responsibility for the affair and earnestly commit to reviving their relationship, then they can restore stability and rebuild their relationship.
How Does Therapy for Infidelity Proceed?
In couple therapy with me, there are usually 3 phases of healing:
First Phase of Therapy:
- Assessment of the problem – together & separately
- Calm the crisis & gain control of emotional intensity
- Review relationship options
- Commit to rebuilding the relationship
Second Phase of Therapy:
- Open-up direct communication
- Build new relationship skills
- Explore why the affair occurred
- Build self-awareness & personal strengths
- Work through resentments & uncertainty
- Develop appreciation for your partner
Third Phase of Therapy:
- Demonstrate trustworthiness & desire for intimacy
- Restore security, romance & sexuality
- Forgive & accept yourself & your partner
The Second Phase is where most of the difficult emotional work is completed and this phase takes the longest amount of time to work through. The ultimate goal of couple therapy for infidelity is to forgive and rebuild a gratifying relationship.
This specialized type of therapy is designed to help you overcome a deeply painful violation, repair past destructive habits and move toward a more fulfilling future. It is structured to help both partners build new personal strengths and to understand themselves and one another better.
In therapy, partners learn how to share their inner thoughts and feelings. Therapy also helps couples to decide how to safely communicate to their children, friends and family members.
Overcoming betrayal is not easy work. It is demanding and often marked by unexpected setbacks, break-downs, disappointments and surprises. There is usually a series of progressions and regressions, forward and backward movements. Gradually, however, progress is made toward our mutual goal – an honest, open and revived relationship or marriage.
At any time in therapy, if one of you discovers that you do not want to rebuild your relationship, then you may decide to separate and get a divorce. Even with this unfortunate outcome, at least you may have been able to purge your anger, understand why the affair happened and realize what you want. Then you can move forward to create a fulfilling new future.
Isn’t This Therapy a Difficult, Expensive and Long Process?
Yes, it is definitely a challenging, costly and time-consuming commitment. Infidelity is a serious and deep problem. It will take months to resolve the violation, earn back trust and rekindle affection. However, therapy for infidelity is a valuable endeavor and potentially endowed with a great reward – a more mature and longer lasting love relationship.
Couple therapy sessions are held weekly and could take over 2 months for the expression of angry emotions to settle down and then an additional 6 to 9 months for you to achieve intimacy, trust and lasting recovery. This work takes courage, endurance and faith. There is no rapid fix or cure.
Why Engage in Therapy for Infidelity with Me?
I specialize in therapy for infidelity. This is not a “side-line” service of mine. Nor is this standard couple counseling. I am trained in this specialty therapy and I have studied this type of unique approach in depth. I have provided this specialized therapy for numerous couples. Your therapist must be experienced and able to contain passionate emotional expression, ambivalent and confused thoughts, parenting challenges and lack of trust. I can manage this intensity and complexity.
As an experienced psychologist, I have been working with married and unmarried couples for over 30 years. I have dealt with a number of partners who painfully struggled with sexual and emotional infidelity and tried to repair their relationship. Many have succeeded and gained a fulfilling connection. I use proven methods to help partners systematically work through this threatening and emotionally volatile dilemma so that they can heal their relationship with renewed affection and trust.
I am committed to ensuring that the therapy sessions are productive and to providing you with guidance, safety, feedback and compassion. I assist you to manage your emotions and maintain hope. I help you gain new insight and perspective on why the affair happened in your relationship. I also teach you personal skills and provide you with assignments and exercises to complete between sessions.
In therapy with me, both partners are respected and treated fairly. I do not take sides with either partner. However, I do require that the unfaithful partner take full responsibility for having the affair and also to completely stop the affair.
Although some relationships and marriages unravel in therapy, more relationships survive and thrive. I strive to assist in turning around a suffering relationship from the brink of destruction toward revived trust and intimacy. I can also help you through the challenging divorce process.
[box type=”info” style=”rounded”]
If you want to overcome the devastation and hurt caused by the affair,
Call Dr. Miller TODAY at 805-448-5053 for a brief telephone consult and to schedule your first appointment.[/box]
