Author: Revel Miller, Ph.D.

Revel Miller, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who has been practicing psychology for over 25 years and living in Santa Barbara for more than 15 years. He specializes in treating adults who experience depression, marital conflict, divorce transition and parenting challenges. Dr. Miller is also a behavioral health psychologist who collaborates with medical professionals and treats chronically ill patients who suffer from stress due to their illness. In addition, he actively collaborates with divorce attorneys and mediators to help support their clients who struggle with the stresses associated with marital transition. Moreover, Revel Miller is an experienced business coach who assists professionals, executives and small business owners to develop and grow their businesses.

Categories
Infidelity/Affairs

Can Therapy for Infidelity Re-Build a Relationship?

Infidelity counseling has helped many couples to repair and rebuild their partnerships and marriages. Through therapy, partnerships can be revived and become better than they previously were.

 But How Can Therapy Succeed?

An affair is not necessarily a deal-breaker in a relationship. In fact, it may be an opportunity and motivator to improve the partnership.

In order to have success in therapy, both partners must:

  1. Commit to improving their relationship
  2. Manage intense emotions and communication
  3. Commit to being honest
  4. Talk about very tough issues in their relationship
  5. Tolerate hearing the “truth” from one another
  6. Admit to their contributions to setting-up the affair
  7. Trust their therapist
  8. Assess the pros and cons of staying together
  9. Keep working in therapy until trust is re-developed

 What’s the Success Rate of Therapy for Infidelity?

Nobody knows the answer to this question. About 75% of marriages in the USA survive infidelity. That means the couple stays together after an affair is exposed.

However, we don’t know what percentage of those partners engaged in therapy. And we don’t know the quality of their relationships after the affair.

What specialized infidelity therapists do know is that an affair is very disruptive to a partnership and that the repair work, with or without a counselor, is very difficult. To rebuild trust and to be able to forgive the unfaithful partner is very challenging and takes a long period of time for the hurt one to reach.

 Are There Any Rules in Infidelity Therapy?

Most experienced infidelity therapists make certain demands of their clients.

In order to have a chance at success, they ask both partners to commit to the following agreements:

  1. The unfaithful partner must cut off all contact with their affair person.
  2. The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their transgressions.
  3. The unfaithful partner must make an authentic apology to their hurt partner.
  4. The unfaithful partner must not rush their hurt partner into healing, trusting or calming down.
  5. Both partners must commit to the process of recovery and improvement.
  6. The hurt partner must agree not to get revenge on the unfaithful partner and their affair person.
  7. The hurt partner must not blame themselves for their partner’s unfaithful behavior.
  8. Both partners must take responsibility for their participation in therapy.

Therapy for Infidelity Does Not Always Succeed

Some couples cannot repair their relationships after an affair. Most won’t go to counseling sessions. Some will engage in therapy for a few sessions and then back out. The intensity of the counseling meetings is overwhelming. Or, one or both partners come to the conclusion that they don’t want to rebuild their relationship or marriage. Some partners believe that they will be better off separating.

In most of these cases that cannot improve their relationships, the therapy is not a failure because it helped them to decide that they did not want to put in the energy to rebuild. Perhaps there is no hope left. Some unfaithful partners decide to leave their relationship and return to their affair person.

For many couples, separation can be a positive decision and a healthy outcome because their relationship is not strong or loving. They realize that there is not enough caring left to build upon. For others, the therapy motivates them to leave an abusive or unsatisfying relationship. To part with one another may give them more hope of finding a better lifestyle.

 Give Therapy a Chance to Help You

Your relationship is very valuable and meaningful. You both deserve to give therapy a try in order to understand what happened and why, and to resolve some confusion and emotional pain. You have nothing to lose by trying to work things out in therapy.

Therapy for infidelity will usually have one of two possible outcomes:

  1. You will rebuild a trusting relationship.
  2. You will decide to separate.

What If We Don’t Engage in Therapy?

You may be able to successfully work things out with your partner and build a fulfilling relationship.

However, you may also make no significant decisions or changes or gain any insight into what happened in the relationship. So, you may get stuck and remain miserable in an non-trusting relationship or marriage simmering with resentment, anger and distrust.

 

For more of my blog information on recovery, therapy for infidelity, the negative impact of infidelity, and the steps to recovery, click on the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2020/04/can-a-partnership-be-revived-after-infidelity-is-discovered/

To view all of my other blog articles on Infidelity and Affairs, click on the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

In order to learn more about my Therapy for Infidelity, click on this link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

Therapy can be very helpful for couples when they uncover an affair. If you want to learn more about it, give me a call at 805-448-5053.

Categories
Infidelity/Affairs

Why Is Infidelity So Painful? Part II

This is Part II of a 2-part blog article.

In Part I, I presented the factors that determine the level of pain in infidelity and how the hurt partner reacts to the discovery of the affair. Here, I will address how the “unfaithful partner” reacts and how therapy for infidelity can be helpful.

 How Do “Unfaithful Partners” React?

Most unfaithful partners never want to get “caught”. They are secretive and don’t want their infidelity to be found out. Why? Because they may feel so alive and exhilarated by the affair that they don’t want to give it up. The affair may have ignited more excitement inside them than they have experienced in a long time. While the affair is active, they have a tendency to be deceptive with their partner.

Usually, they don’t want to hurt their partner and to suffer the consequences of their actions. A few have little feeling for their partner or spouse and they may be very critical of their partner. Most unfaithful partners feel that the affair was something they did that was out of control yet very alluring and gratifying. They may convince themselves that they couldn’t stop it or help themselves from acting out.

Once exposed, unfaithful partners may feel emotionally overwhelmed by their partner’s emotional and behavioral reaction and level of intensity. They may grieve losing their affair partner and feeling so alive. Some unfaithful partners may get angry and resent having to give up their affair partner while also taking the wrath, blame and accusations from their partner.

However, many may also feel a great deal of guilt for hurting their partner. Some unfaithful partners can become very compassionate, open, honest, supportive and loving to their partner. They take full responsibility for the crisis and damage.

The unfaithful partner’s pain may be experienced in several cyclic or contradictory ways. Emotionally, they may also suffer and feel: guilt, anger, shame, embarrassment, contempt, depression, despair, disappointment, desperation, disgust, fear, hate, helplessness, hopelessness, hostility, impatience, irritability, misery, regret, pity, respect, repentance, sorrow and distraught.

They may also fear losing their: job, income, children, home, financial assets, reputation, family members, friends, and their partner/spouse.

Mentally, unfaithful partners are silently and frantically processing a lot of ideas. They may start arguments, defend themselves, try to convince their partner that the affair was meaningless, minimize their actions, protect themselves and rationalize their infidelity behaviors. They may threaten separation or divorce.

So yes, the unfaithful also suffer. For either partner, there is no easy way out.

Can Therapy Help Reduce the Agony of Infidelity?

Yes! The more pain one or both partners are experiencing, the more imperative it is to engage in therapy for infidelity.

Often, counselling with an experienced couple therapist who specializes in affairs will be quite helpful to:

  1. Ease the emotional pain
  2. Calm the mind
  3. Alleviate the crisis and trauma
  4. Gain control of overwhelming emotions and impulsive behaviors
  5. Open-up communication on a sincere and intimate level
  6. Decrease the obsessive and painful thoughts, memories and images
  7. Reduce the compulsive seeking and asking for more and more details
  8. Develop understanding and perspective on their situation
  9. Help partners make tough decisions
  10. Increase hope and faith in a better future relationship together
  11. Improve a sense of inner security
  12. Re-establish trust again
  13. Prevent unnecessary separations and divorces
  14. Focus on what the couple wants for their future together

However, in the beginning of therapy, participation will heighten pain as emotions are expressed and new information is revealed. The first series of meetings can be very intense because the crisis is still burning. With time, the therapy sessions become more comfortable and less painful.

To return to Part I of this article, click this link:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2020/05/why-is-infidelity-so-painful-part-i/

 

For more information about infidelity, click on this link to read some of my other blog articles: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

To find out more about therapy for infidelity with me, click on this link to my website page:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

You don’t need to suffer needlessly. Call me for a brief consultation to determine if you are ready to start therapy for infidelity. Call 805-448-5053.

Categories
Infidelity/Affairs

Why Is Infidelity So Painful? Part I

This is Part I of a 2-Part blog article.

Here I will address the factors that contribute to the level of pain in infidelity and how “hurt partners” react to infidelity when discovered.

Infidelity has always been a part of the human life experience. Nevertheless, betrayal is painful for the hurt partner and can also be aggravating to the unfaithful partner. Infidelity hurts and that deep pain can burn deep and for a long time.

Factors that Determine the Level of Pain

The level of emotional pain and behavioral reaction of the partners depends on a number of factors in the relationship.

Consider these relationship factors to understand partner reactions to infidelity:

  • Length of the partner’s marriage/relationship before the affair is exposed
  • Depth of their love for one another
  • Level of commitment and trust
  • Level of security and openness
  • Level of gratification with intimacy, affection and sexuality
  • Amount of sharing and communication
  • How the affair was discovered
  • Extent of deceit, lying and secrecy in the affair
  • The extent of intimacy and sexuality in the affair
  • Level of knowledge about the affair
  • Closeness of the hurt partner to the affair person
  • Family history of affairs and monogamy of each partner
  • Psychological health and resilience of the partners
  • Time length of the affair
  • Type of affair
  • Amount of attraction and love for the affair person
  • Level of dependency and vulnerability of the partners
  • Level of drug dependency and abuse of the partners
  • Impact on the children
  • Age and number of children
  • Financial status of the couple
  • Impact on the partners’ reputations
  • Impact on the partner’s employment and income
  • Impact on other extended family members
  • Impact on friends
  • Ability of the hurt partner to accept the reality of the affair
  • Impact on future dreams and plans
  • Impact on existing commitments
  • Impact on the personal health of the partners

All of these factors outlined above can contribute to the level of pain experienced by the couple. For many partners, discovery of an affair is the most profound challenge they have faced in their relationship and/or their life.

 How Do “Hurt Partners” React?

Most partners in the USA, married or not, believe in commitment, loyalty and monogamy and they view affairs as a major relationship violation. Although each partner knows that other adults betray and have affairs, they usually believe that it will not happen to them. They then assume and expect that their relationship won’t be violated by their partner. The more they believe in this and feel secure in their partnership, the more shattering, disturbing and painful their reaction is upon discovery of the betrayal.

In many hurt men and women, an affair is experienced as a sudden traumatizing event. For them, it can be a nightmare and a crisis of identity and security. They feel totally broad-sided and taken by surprise. They definitely believe that their partner has crossed a moral line and put their relationship and lives in peril.

Hurt partners feel it pierce their gut and heart. Often, they believe that they have been stripped of their personal security and trust in life itself. To them, the entire world may feel as if it has lost its predictability and reliability. They become volatile and feel devalued and unimportant. And they hate being deceived and lied to.

The exposure of an affair can be emotionally, mentally and physically overwhelming and it can overtake them for months or years. They may exhibit symptoms associated to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) including: flashbacks, altered worldview, nightmares, panic attacks, cycles of re-living the experience, recurrent and intrusive memories and dreams, prolonged distress and avoidance, irritability and hyper-vigilance.

The discovery of infidelity can generate intense negative emotions. A broad spectrum of painful emotions can be unleashed, such as: anger, rage, fear, anguish, abandonment, dejection, anxiety, shame, despair, loneliness, misery, outrage, rejection, repulsion, resentment, sadness, grief and torment. Extreme emotional flooding and stress can cause fatigue and illness or exacerbate chronic illness.

Mentally, hurt men and women may become obsessed to find out what happened and incessantly demand facts and detailed information about the affair. Some decide to separate and/or get a divorce. Others might confront the affair person by phone, email, text or in-person. Thoughts of revenge are not uncommon. They may severely judge their partner as self-centered and horrid. And, they may judge themselves as stupid and gullible.

Behaviorally, hurt partners may become demanding, hostile, violent, threatening, accusatory. They may blame their partner and shout and cry. Some leave the home or drive their partner out. Hurt ones may withdraw socially, stop going to work or fulfilling their duties. One partner may demand that they engage in couple therapy. Often, the hurt one may push away or withdraw from their unfaithful partner because they feel so outraged, repulsed and out of control.

As you can see, an affair can trigger intense emotions, ignite disturbing thoughts and drive extreme behaviors. Most hurt partners feel deeply wounded and heart-broken. Their sense of security and normalcy can be shattered. Although their pain may feel permanent, over time the intensity will subside.

 

This is the end of Part I of this 2-part article on Why Is Infidelity So Painful? Part II addresses the pain of the “unfaithful partner” and how therapy for infidelity can help couples overcome this crisis. Click this link below to go to Part II: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2020/05/why-is-infidelity-so-painful-part-ii/

 

 

To see my other blog articles on Infidelity, click on the link below: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/ 

To find out more about my Therapy for Infidelity, click on the link below: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

Let me help you through this crisis. Call me for a brief consultation to determine if you want to engage in therapy for infidelity. Call 805-448-5053.

Categories
Humor/Mind Twists

Humorous Vocabulary Twist – Glibido

Glibido:  All talk and no action.

 

Mind Twists: Taken from The  Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational.  Readers were invited to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one  letter, and supply a new definition.   Very clever!
Categories
Group Therapy

What Should I Expect from My Group Therapy Sessions?

The decision to start therapy can sometimes feel like you’re embarking on a mysterious journey. So many questions can run through your mind about the group experience. If you’ve never tried a process therapy group before, you will find yourself wondering what to expect.

Your Past Group Experiences

Over your lifetime you have had many experiences within groups. It’s helpful to put group therapy into perspective and to differentiate therapy groups from other types of group gatherings and memberships.

There is no way for any human being to avoid participation in groups. Humans are pack animals and we are very familiar with group participation. Often, you have thrived in group settings and derived great pleasure and satisfaction from these experiences. However, some of experiences have been sad, disappointing, embarrassing or devastating.

Just think of all the ways you have been a member or participant in groups: Family, Extended Family, Classrooms, Friends, Clubs, Teams, Workplaces, Religious Congregations, Choirs, Bands, Games, Parties, Audiences, Retreats, Camps, Marches, Rallies, Social Networks, etc.

Experiences in Group Therapy

When joining a process therapy group, you should always strive to achieve some realistic goals and make some positive changes. But in order to accomplish your goals, you need to take action and experience new things.

If you participate in any type of group in which members interact with one another, express feelings, reveal experiences and disclose thoughts and beliefs, then you will have reactions – emotional and mental.

Group membership and participation stimulate and provoke a never-ending flow of comfortable and uncomfortable emotions, thoughts and memories. And, many of these reactions are predictable while others are surprises.

Emotional Reactions in Group Therapy

It is impossible not to be affected when participating in group counseling sessions. On a spectrum of emotions, from pleasurable to painful feelings, over time as a member you will experience a full variety. Some of them you will express and share with the others. But some emotions you will suppress and repress, ashamed to reveal them. At times, your emotional reaction may overwhelm you.

All adults experience the same range of emotions. However, some people express and recognize their inner feelings better than others. We all perceive the same types of primary feelings within and this unites us. In order to psychologically develop and mature, your emotions need to be felt and listened to, not avoided, denied or suppressed.

All emotions are messages from within you. In a process group, it is good to learn the lessons that your feelings teach you and to express your real honest emotional reactions. This creates a sense of safety and authenticity for all of the members.

Here are some of the common or expected emotions that you will experience in a process therapy group:

  • Anxiety, Fear and Paranoia
  • Shame and Embarrassment
  • Joy and Happiness
  • Sadness, Depression and Grief
  • Anger and Frustration
  • Love and Compassion
  • And Many More

Mental Reactions in Group Therapy

You will have various kinds of thoughts when participating in a group. At times you will be open to new ideas and at other times you may close down and refuse to accept new ideas or to expand your perspective.

Some memories and thoughts will bring you pleasure while others may embarrass you. Some you will share openly but others will be withheld and hidden from the group.

At times you will be spontaneous and authentic in sharing but at other times you may contain and hold yourself back, pretending you aren’t having certain types of embarrassing thoughts.

You may find yourself sharing with others what you believe will be accepted and then refrain from sharing in order to avoid potential criticism So, sometimes you will be genuine and risk-taking while at others you will discover that you are being self- protective and secretive. It takes determination to work on your goals in group because you will encounter many distractions.

You will experience in yourself: new insights, perspectives, obsessing, reflecting, rejecting and projecting. You will struggle with being praised and feeling criticized.

Surprises During Group Therapy

Everyone enters a process group with assumptions about group therapy and the members. Some expectations will be gratified and accurate while others will be shattered and inaccurate. You will discover that some of your assumptions and judgments are misconceptions. Some surprises will be uplifting while others will be disappointing.

Members may be much more accepting and supportive of you and your shameful behaviors than you expected them to be. You could discover that you are stronger and more understanding and helpful to others than you thought you could be. Hopefully, you will start feeling less alone and isolated.

You might be surprised how much you learn from others’ life stories and experiences. In group, you may start feeling more secure and supported than you have ever been before.

At times you will enjoy the group and be grateful you joined and then unexpectedly you may feel negative about the group, the members and the leader.

Over time, you will start noticing how habitual and predictable you are – your feelings, thoughts and behaviors. You will observe your personal cycles, automatic behavior, contradictoriness, judgments, energy shifts, ambivalence, and how painful and pleasurable being a group member can be.

Groups are always emotionally and mentally challenging. And that is the power of group therapy. We grow from these challenges and self-observations.

Are You Bold Enough to Try Group Therapy?

Participating in a process group is challenging and I know this from direct personal experience. I have been a participant in a number of process groups and I have directly experienced all that I have written about above.

Some of what I have revealed here may feel negative or stimulate doubt in you. Nevertheless, I know how growthful process groups can be. I invite you to give this type of growth opportunity a try.

 

You can read my other blog articles about “Group Therapy” by clicking this link:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/group-therapy/

To learn more about my “Group Therapy” services, click on this link:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/group-therapy/

 

If you are interested in joining a process group or learning more about my groups, please call me today at 805-448-5053.

Categories
Group Therapy

What Types of Group Therapy Are Offered?

Most people believe that individual therapy is the default therapy in today’s society. However, for many years and for many different people, group therapy may be a more appropriate and effective option.

Basic Background on Group Therapy

In the USA, different types of psychotherapy, counseling or treatment groups have evolved since the 1940’s. Groups are offered in institutions, hospitals, clinics and residential treatment centers. Therapy groups are conducted in out-patient and in-patient facilities, large and small. Some private mental health practitioners and clinics offer groups on an out-patient basis.

Most “therapy” groups are led by a mental health professional. The group therapy meetings vary in length of time. Some are more “social” and some are more “structured” than others. A number of groups may be “open” to new members while others are “closed” and do not allow new members to join after the group has commenced.

Therapy groups can be divided into categories by gender, age, specific problems and formats. Because of these different categories, the variety of group therapy can be quite diverse.

Three Common Types of Group Therapy

Basically, groups can be divided into three different types:

  1. Self-Help Groups

Perhaps the most common and well-known group option is a “self-help” group.

Characteristics of self-help groups:

  • Facilitated by volunteer non-professional leaders
  • Made-up of members addressing the same condition and common goals
  • Provide direction, hope and social support
  • Offer structure & guidance
  • Encourage participants to support one another outside the meetings
  • Meeting size, large and small
  • Attendees may vary from meeting to meeting
  • Attendance is voluntary on an “as desired” basis
  • Free to the public but accept donations to cover expenses

The classic example of a self-help group is Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Due to its success in helping members overcome alcohol addiction, Alcohol Anonymous has modified it’s 12-step program and multiplied its specialization into other types of addiction groups, such as: Narcotics, Gambling, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Co-Dependents, Pornography, Food, and Sex addictions.

Some hospitals and non-profit associations also offer free self-help groups for patients with particular health problems such as cancer, Alzheimer, Parkinson’s, COPD, etc. Plus, they may also provide support groups for caretakers and family members of medical patients.

  1. Psycho-educational Groups

As the name implies, “psycho-educational” groups focus primarily on educating members for psychological self-healing. They encourage participants to apply new knowledge to combat their psychological issues. Through education and personal effort, these groups are therapeutic as the participants learn new skills, begin to recover.

Participants cultivate:

  • Healthier behaviors, habits and relationships
  • New ideas and perspectives
  • Better control of their thoughts and emotions
  • Helpful coping skills
  • Improved self-identity
  • Recognition of stressors and triggers

Examples of psycho-educational groups include addressing topics such as divorce recovery, grief, women and men’s issues, sexuality, illness, parenting, etc.

Characteristics of psycho-educational groups:

  • One or two leaders present educational information, recommend reading materials, facilitate group exercises and discussions, and encourage participants to apply what they learn
  • Participants seek help with a focused issue or concern
  • Participants discuss topics and apply suggested methods to their own lives
  • Number of participants can vary from small to large size, 6 to 50 attendees
  • Time-limited or short-term sequence of sessions, meeting for 6 to 12 sessions
  • Length of each meeting varies from 45 to 120 minutes
  • Closed admission to new participants once group starts
  • Participants and or health insurance pay a set fee to join the group

  1. Process Therapy Groups

In process groups, client or patient members identify and address their own difficulties. In other words, they “process” their issues among themselves. They work on emotional, behavioral, thinking and/or interpersonal issues. Members discuss their problems and concerns in a safe and confidential meeting with the leader and other members.

Process groups are usually ongoing and “open” as the leader will admit new members to replace participates who leave the group. Members provide support, feedback and perspective to one another. The professional mental health therapist leader maintains the group structure and safety and the direction of the discussion. At times, the group leader makes interpretations and asks questions to draw out members.

Characteristics of process groups:

  • One or two trained mental health professionals who lead the meetings
  • Leaders help members identify and work on personal goals
  • Leaders provide structure, safety, support, encouragement, interpretation and role-modeling
  • Longer-term commitment expected from members, months to years
  • Members set personal goals to address and achieve
  • Members interact among one another in open discuss about personal goals
  • Membership size varies from 4 to 10 clients/patients
  • No predetermined end date of the group meetings
  • Length of group meetings is 45 to 120 minutes
  • Open to replacement of departing members
  • Individual and/or health insurance pays for the sessions

My Therapy Groups

I often lead 1 or 2 ongoing process therapy groups and I sometimes offer a psycho-educational group.

 

You can read my other blog articles about “Group Therapy” by clicking this link:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/group-therapy/

To learn more about my “Group Therapy” services, click on this link:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/group-therapy/

 

If you are interested in joining a therapy group or gathering more information about my groups, please give me a call today at 805-448-5053.

Categories
Couples/Marital Issues

How to Find and Select a Couple Therapist

It can be a challenge to admit that you and your partner need help. Together, you have tried to improve your relationship and resolve ongoing conflicts. You may have also reached out to friends and family members for assistance.

However, if you are still stuck and your problems persist, then it may be time to try a couple therapist.

Your next big step is to find some couple therapists or marriage counselors and then to select one to work with. Both partners, not just one of you, should participate in finding and selecting the therapist.

How to Find a Couple Therapist

Here’s how you can go about identifying and locating some therapists:

  • Ask friends and family members
  • Ask your physician or minister
  • Search online
  • Get a list of “In-Network” providers from your health insurance company

Be sure to get the name, phone number, address and website address of each therapist you are interested in.

Steps to Take to Select a Therapist

Here’s how to gather information and decide which marriage counselor to meet:

  1. Make a Commitment – Both of you must agree to regularly participate in couples therapy even if it is uncomfortable at times.
  2. Set Goals – Discuss issues that you want to work on. Create therapy goals and prioritize them.
  3. Look for Specialists – Not all counselors and psychotherapists provide couple therapy. Marriage counseling is a specialty service and requires education. Find out about their training, experience and any specific credentials they may have.
  4. Visit Websites – Most professional therapists own their own website. Both of you should read some websites and gather information about their background and the services that they provide.
  5. Determine Cost – Call your health insurance company and find out what your plan will cover and your deductible amount. Also, decide how much you can afford to pay for the sessions.
  6. Decide Who Calls – Make an agreement on who will call the therapists for the initial phone consult and what questions to ask. Make a list of questions to ask each therapist you call and take notes to refer to later.
  7. Call the Therapist(s) – Confirm that they offer couple therapy and briefly tell them about your partnership struggles and goals. Ask about their fees, your health insurance coverage and if they have an opening. Take written notes and assess their listening skills.
  8. Select a Therapist(s) – The caller reports back to their partner with the information they gathered and the impression they have of the therapist. Then you both decide which ones to call for an initial “informational interview”.
  9. Make the Initial Appointment – Have the other partner make this call to set the first appointment. Call several therapists and schedule an appointment for an “informational interview” with one, two or three of them. It’s OK to “shop around” for your marriage counselor. Spend the money and time. Your relationship is very valuable and worth the financial investment.
  10. Interview the Therapist(s) – Take in a list of your goals and questions to ask during your initial “informational interview”. Remember, that in this first face-to-face meeting you are interviewing them for the job.
  11. Select Your Therapist – After all the information gathering, brief phone consults and the “informational interview” in-person, select the one that you both have faith in and resonate with. Select the one who “fits” best and schedule another appointment.
  12. Be Hopeful and Optimistic – It is important that you both believe that your problems and issues are solvable. Maintain a positive attitude that you will make significant progress.
  13. Constantly Evaluate – Assess whether the therapist: listens well; is fair and neutral; understands you; treats you equally; provides helpful feedback and exercises; and is able to handle intense emotions. In addition, evaluate whether the counseling is helpful. If either of you is dissatisfied with progress, tell your therapist. You are not obligated to continue working with a couple therapist if your sessions are not productive.

If you follow most of these steps, then you will find a couple therapist, select a good potential counselor, make progress in your relationship and live a more satisfying life.

 

For more information about “Couple Therapy”, please visit my web page at:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/marital-conflict/

I have also posted a number of other articles about couple or marital therapy on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here:   http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/couples-therapy/

 

To get started with this life-changing process, call me today at 805-448-5053 for your initial consult.

Categories
Infidelity/Affairs

Can a Partnership Be Revived after Infidelity Is Discovered?

Is Infidelity a Relationship Deal-Breaker?

Not always. Not all partners automatically separate after an affair is uncovered. What to do is their choice. Although many couples separate and get divorced, others stay together in misery and mistrust. Partners who either keep the affair secret or refuse to talk about it openly have a much higher rate of separation and divorce or they perpetuate their suffering together.

Can the Partnership Be Renewed? 

Yes, often it can be restored even after such an unexpected and upsetting experience. About 75% of marriages in the USA survive an affair and continue in partnership. The couples who discuss and admit to the deceptive behaviors and mutual contributions that set up the affair recover best.

Discovery of an infidelity usually creates a great deal of confusion, upheaval and emotional reactivity. Repairing the damage to the relationship and to each partner is a difficult pathway.

Many complex variables are at play and contribute to the possibility of recovery. Without a strong commitment from both partners, infidelity can destroy a relationship. Both partners must want to work on and improve their relationship. With a strong commitment to staying together, the partnership can often be revived.

Therapy for Infidelity

Infidelity therapy with an empathic and experienced therapist usually yields a higher chance for success in saving relationships and marriages. Therapy takes time, money and a strong determination by both partners to overcome painful obstacles along the way.

The Negative Impact of Infidelity

Relationships and marriages are built on trust. When that basic faith in the other is destroyed then the couple’s trust can be damaged. Not surprisingly, some partnerships cannot be rejuvenated in the face of betrayal.

The inability to repair a relationship may be caused by sudden and persistent psychological factors, such as:

  • Loss of self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of security
  • Shattered bonding and attachment
  • Loss of affection, intimacy and sexuality
  • Shock and disbelief
  • Psychological trauma impact
  • Emotional instability
  • Feelings of betrayal and violation
  • Hatred and revenge
  • Damage to children and nuclear family
  • Damage and shame with friends and extended family members
  • Deep psychological wounding
  • Anger, resentment and blame
  • Guilt, shame and embarrassment
  • Depression, grief and anxiety
  • Disillusionment about life
  • Doubt about the worth of the relationship
  • Getting stuck in resentment, fear and revenge

 Assess Each Other for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 

Many hurt partners experience PTSD after discovering infidelity. Here are the symptoms to look for:

  • Re-playing or re-experiencing events
  • Flashbacks
  • Intrusive thoughts, memories and dreams
  • Intense and prolonged distress

If the hurt partner suffers with PTSD then counseling is definitely recommended.

Challenging Steps that Need to Be Taken to Ensure Recovery

In order to re-build the relationship/marriage, with or without a therapist’s guidance, partners will need to take some significant action steps and struggle with the following:

  • Accept that you are in crisis
  • Unfaithful partner must end the relationship and stop all communication with their affair partner
  • Assess the damage done without minimizing or denying it
  • Assess the depth of the trauma experienced by the hurt partner
  • Acknowledge that the hurt partner may be traumatized
  • Prevent further damage
  • Commit to working on a resolution no matter how painful or long it takes
  • Create a safe and protected environment for discussions
  • Be honest and earnest
  • Develop protective ground rules and agreements to abide by
  • Unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their affair behavior
  • Unfaithful partner must admit to violating, betraying and deceiving
  • Unfaithful partner must validate and tolerate the hurt partner’s demands, confusion and intense emotional reactions
  • Unfaithful partner must provide sincere apology
  • Unfaithful partner must answer questions truthfully
  • Unfaithful partner must present facts but not all the sexual details
  • Reveal, explain and examine the “affair story” and events
  • Acknowledge and understand the causes behind the unfaithful behavior
  • Uncover how each partner contributed to the affair
  • Acknowledge the surrounding shame, embarrassment, guilt and fear
  • Address and process the trauma experienced by the hurt partner
  • Expect emotional and behavioral regressions along the path to recovery
  • Refrain from keeping secrets, lying, deceiving and exaggerating
  • Deal with obstacles and impasses as they arise
  • Embrace a positive vision of your future together
  • Hurt partner gradually regains emotional control
  • Both partners eventually take responsibility for their part in the affair
  • Develop a plan for sustaining relationship stability
  • Rebuild safety and trust
  • Reconciling and re-building the partnership
  • Re-emergence of affection, intimacy and sexuality
  • Forgiveness is very gradually approached over a long period of time

Seek Therapy for Infidelity

Many couples will not be able to work through this crisis without an experienced psychotherapist who understands and has experience with the relationship rebuilding process. Infidelity provokes a flood of emotions and distracting thoughts. Many partnership and marriages cannot manage the disappointment and emotional intensity on their own without guidance and support.

 

For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you become stuck or find yourself emotionally overwhelmed, please call me at 805-448-5053 to find out more about my therapy for infidelity.

Categories
Group Therapy

Misconceptions about Group Therapy Part VI

Note: This is the final Part VI of a 6-part series of blog articles. Here I introduce 2 more reasons for reluctance to join a therapy group. In the preceding article, entitled “Misconceptions about Group Therapy, Part V”, I presented 4 other reasons for this reluctance.

 

16 Misconceptions about Group Therapy

Below, I will address the final 2 unrealistic beliefs about process therapy groups:

15. Sharing my feelings and thoughts about myself and family members violates my cultural values.

This may be true. Some of us may not feel like we fit into the mainstream culture or society in the USA. Some ethnic groups, religions and foreign cultures place high priority on humility, stoicism and privacy. They may forbid disclosing, especially to strangers, any personal information about one’s self or one’s family and its members.

In American culture we generally respect our family members and only speak disparagingly about them if we have been injured by them or they have acted outside the cultural norms or committed crimes. Some Hispanic and Asian cultures frown upon exposing family issues because it is considered to be a violation of privacy.

If this is your situation in the USA, then the process group experience would be difficult and challenging for you. Perhaps individual therapy would be more comfortable for you.

In the confidential group sessions, members disclose many private and secretive experiences, thoughts and feelings about themselves, family members, loved ones, friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Social interactions and memories are encouraged to be spoken about openly, especially if they are disturbing to a member.

In fact, most mental health professionals believe that some types of secrets can be damaging and prolong one’s psychological and emotional pain. Covering-up or protecting some family members within a confidential group setting is deemed to be needlessly self-harming.

If this is your dilemma and you joined a process group, it would be to your advantage to slowly reveal more about your past and current experiences within your family and other groups of people. Sometimes, challenging family and cultural norms can be quite freeing and generate new insight and perspective. This would take courage. Otherwise, the group may not be helpful and you might be causing yourself agony while attending group sessions and preventing yourself from growing or solving problems.

If you cannot join an interactional process group, then consider individual psychotherapy or membership in an ongoing psycho-educational group in which the leaders provide instruction on certain psychological topics and use exercises and assignments to support their members. Although these types of groups ask members to process feelings, thoughts and interactions among the members, it is usually less intense and demanding of participants.

To heal oneself, often cultural taboos and family alliances must be broken within a safe and contained setting with members sworn to confidentiality.

16. If I spend too much time with others who struggle, then I will never get better.

All members of a process group are required to be in some type of internal psychological struggle to heal themselves and live a more gratifying lifestyle. But this does not mean that the members cannot be helpful to you.

In fact, those who struggle with ongoing psychological challenges with their own issues may have more insight and empathy than those who seldom struggle internally. Those who actively struggle and take on challenges to better themselves are usually more open, caring, supportive and genuine types of people. Therefore, they will not hold you back or bog you down from your own growth.

Together, you can help one another develop yourselves, break some chains and release pent-up energy. This is why I refer to group members as “growth buddies”.

 

Learn More

The good news is that many of our fears and expectations about group therapy are misconceptions. The track record speaks for itself. Group therapy can be very helpful and effective for some people.

If you’re interested in joining a group, then call me and ask what groups I currently offer and whether I have openings for new members. If I have an opening, I will invite you to meet with me alone for more information. If there are no current openings or groups that match your needs, then I can put you on my “Wait List.”

For more blog articles about group psychotherapy, click the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/group-therapy/

To find out more about my group therapy services, click the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/group-therapy/

If you are interested in joining a therapy group, please call me at 805-448-5053 for more information.

Categories
Group Therapy

Misconceptions about Group Therapy, Part V

Note: This is Part V of a 6-part series of blog articles. Here I introduce 4 more reasons for reluctance to join a therapy group. In the preceding article, entitled “Misconceptions about Group Therapy, Part IV”, I presented 3 other reasons for this reluctance.

16 Misconceptions about Group Therapy 

Below, I will dispel 2 more of the distorted expectations about process therapy groups:

11. In a group I will rapidly make changes in my behaviors, mood or self-esteem.

Like all psychotherapy methods, change is usually made slowly over time depending upon how much effort you put into your healing process. There are usually no “quick fixes” that endure for long periods of time.

Changes in behavior and self-esteem must be earned and maintained. New habits must be transformed. Listening needs to improve. Moods take time to lift. Emotions need to be detected and understood. Thinking must become clearer and more realistic. Genuine friendships and trust need to be developed. Past history needs to be put into perspective. All of this processing, shifting and transitioning takes time.

So, there is a lot to be dealt with in the human psyche for meaningful healing and positive change to take place.

12. I fear being dominated, alienated and emotionally overwhelmed in group therapy.

These are realistic concerns by new members. If you have a tendency to be dependent, non-social or reactive, then these habits will emerge and play-out in the group. However, in group the members will interfere with these unwanted and automatic behaviors and wake you up to how you are behaving.

In addition, the group leader will often discourage you from indulging in these types of habitual behaviors and unhealthy re-enactments too frequently. He/She wants you to experience yourself in new ways instead of in repetitive automatic types of reactions.

13. I’ve had painful experiences in my family and other groups, so I fear that group therapy will re-stimulate old painful memories and emotions.

Yes, these types of uncomfortable reactions can happen in group and they may have unexpectedly occurred to you before in other settings.

Most people have suffered some negative and painful experiences in the past within some type of group. But remember, these reactions are not life threatening. They are emotionally painful and may be frightening but they can usually be contained and controlled within the group setting with the other members.

To heal, sometimes you need to confront old memories and emotional triggers head-on. If you avoid dealing with them, they will continue to disrupt your life and self-esteem. Working on old painful emotional triggers within the group setting can be very helpful, relieving and healing. It will take courage but you will gain better perspective, self-control and peace of mind.

14. People are not trustworthy and therefore they will not be honest or helpful. 

If you feel that other people are not honest or cannot be trusted, then you may have thoughts that stem from past disappointments or trauma or a chemical imbalance in your brain. If you are convinced that others are not trustworthy, then I doubt you would seek group therapy. You would probably feel more comfortable taking psychiatric medicine and engaging in individual therapy.

However, if you have some doubt about about your suspicions and actually do trust some people who you believe are honest, then welcome to group therapy! There is no better way to challenge and test persistent faulty or fearful beliefs than by interacting with other group members over an extended period of time. Within the group meetings you will discover whether or not your belief about people is true or false.

If you can bear it, the group will likely challenge your premises and help you to begin to trust others. Hopefully, the group experience will force you to be honest and trustworthy yourself and compel you to share yourself instead of being fearful, self-contained, secretive and lonely.

 

To read the final article in this 6-part series, “Misconceptions about Group Therapy”, click the link below:         http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/12/misconceptions-about-group-therapy-part-vi/

For more blog articles about group psychotherapy, click the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/group-therapy/

To find out more about my group therapy services, click the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/group-therapy/

For more information about my groups, call me for a brief consult at 805-448-5053.