“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” ~ Albert Einstein
Most of us would probably prefer to talk about something else. But the truth remains – infidelity happens. Thanks to the internet and social media, it’s also becoming easier to meet people and make plans to meet but harder to detect devious behavior.
You might even say that it has also become more difficult to define what infidelity is. What can be defined as an affair? – Sex? A kiss? A prolonged hug? Lunch? Friendship? Phone calls? (see my other “Infidelity/Affairs” blog article entitled “What Is Infidelity?”) Yet, with all the blurred lines and uncomfortable realities, we may still find ourselves asking something very fundamental… “How do partners stray from their partners?”
In our American culture, infidelity is usually portrayed as a “betrayal of trust” or “cheating” on one’s monogamous partner by engaging in sexual intercourse with another adult outside the relationship. Of course, this may be true… but it’s just the tip of the infidelity iceberg.
A betrayal of trust can only be truly judged by the two partners who originally established their trust and expected monogamy from one another. Some partners/spouses talk openly about their expectations of monogamy and make verbal promises not to stray. However, others never make verbal pledges or commitments to one another and assume that they have entered into a monogamous partnership without discussing it openly.
Cheating is often in the eye of the beholder and it doesn’t always include sexual contact. Some partners/spouses have wider or more flexible boundaries than others and they don’t get so upset by their partner’s wandering eyes or sexualized comments and fantasies. However, there are some partners who have very restrictive boundaries and expectations of their partners. They expect complete abstinence with others and commitment to them alone. They do not tolerate hearing or knowing about their partner’s sexually arousing fantasies regarding people outside their relationship. Some partners don’t become offended or suspicious and upset easily while others are offended and frightened easily. For these partners, being suspicious is agonizing.
Meanwhile, in the face-to-face real world as well as the long-distant digital smartphone era, the possibilities for attraction, excitation and communication abound. In other words, “straying” or roaming could include many different types of wandering-off behaviors, face-to-face and long distance, whether a couple is married or not.
Going astray activity may include:
Read more about these different types of affair behaviors in my other 4-part blog article by clicking the link below:
Some of these roaming behaviors could be very brief and superficial, lasting only seconds. However, other types of affairs can be very involved including much time, money, secrecy and deception.
Some affairs can be very sexualized, intoxicating and full of emotional passion, deep love or infatuation and involve indulgence in a lot of fantasy. At the same time, there are also other types of roaming behaviors that are meaningless, void of emotion and purely sexual or psychological with little attraction and no desire to be continued.
For the “unfaithful partner”, a prolonged type of affair may be emotionally experienced in a mixture of ways, including painful guilt, self-doubt, anxiety, fear, anguish and shame. Or, on the other hand, they may experience pleasurable emotional excitement, thrills, relief, enchantment, infatuation and love. An affair may support and boost the unfaithful partner’s self-identity or wrack and destroy their self-esteem.
For the “hurt partner”, uncovering an affair can be a devastating and destructive experience. Emotionally they may experience anger, outrage, depression, anxiety, fear, hatred. However, they may eventually feel gratitude and turn their anguish into a growthful and esteem-building experience and rebuild a freer and more satisfying lifestyle.
After and affair is discovered, some marriages and relationship hold together and become better. Others deteriorate and become miserable. And then there are always those marriages/relationships that split apart due to infidelity.
Infidelity is a relationship problem. In therapy, partners learn how to share their inner thoughts and feelings. You and your partner can also develop healthier ways to communicate. As a team, you can process the progression of your relationship and how to move forward.
Therapy for infidelity is not easy work. With the help of an experienced and unbiased guide, you can take the necessary steps for healing and reconnection. It is entirely possible to create a fulfilling new future.
http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/11/why-do-partners-have-affairs-part-i/
I have posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category below:
http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/
Here are the final 4 reasons why a partner may stray away:
12. Retaliation/Revenge
Some partners feel hurt by their partner and use infidelity as a way to get back at their significant other. They want to get caught in the affair as a type of pay-back. It is a form of intentional revenge or retaliation to set-off emotional pain and hurt in their partner. It may be a seen as a way to “turn the table” or reciprocate with “an eye-for-an-eye”. This is immature behavior.
13. Fantasy Fulfillment
Some partners build-up many internal fantasies about sexual gratification with other outside partners. Their imaginations may be created by pornography, self-induced, or dwell on previous sexual relationships. These inner visions may grow and become uncontainable, leading to a partner’s acting-out in an affair or serial affairs. The partner may lose control and try to fulfill fantasies that are often unrealistic and unobtainable.
14. Persistently Unreliable or Untrustworthy
Some partners, unfortunately, simply cannot be trusted. They have affairs and experience little guilt or remorse. Untrustworthy partners may only worry about getting caught. They do not think or care much about the damage they inflict on their partners. They go get what they want and don’t consider the consequences to their partner, children, family or themselves.
These unreliable and immature individuals usually have little compassion or empathy for others. They simply try to fulfill their own self-centered desires and needs regardless of who else may be impacted. Their straying is a symptom of a deeper psychological character flaw that is usually not reversible.
15. Serious Mental Illness
Some partners are so psychologically disturbed that they cannot control their behaviors. They have poor judgment, act impulsively, and their reasoning may be confused and distorted. They simply want to feel good and usually don’t take their partner’s feelings into consideration before having an affair. These mentally ill people can cause a lot of damage in their relationships and with extended family members.
Although these 15 reasons do not cover all the explanations for why infidelity occurs, they cover the majority of affairs that are committed. You may find yourself confronted with or living-out one or more of these scenarios. It’s emotionally painful.
Here are 12 helpful steps that you can take to prevent infidelity:
These 12 steps above must be taken regularly over the months and years that you are together. Actions such as these build the glue that holds you together and re-stimulates love and affection. Conscious steps such as these must not be overlooked or you could become distant from one another. And distance, loneliness and deprivation are a set-up for trouble.
In couple counseling, you and your partner can learn how to share your inner thoughts and feelings. You can both develop healthier ways to communicate. As a couple in therapy for infidelity, you can discuss the progression of your relationship, the violations, how and why the affair happened, and how to move forward into a more satisfying marriage or partnership.
This type of relationship therapy is not easy work. With the help of an experienced and unbiased guide, you can take the necessary steps to heal and reconnect. It is entirely possible to create a fulfilling new future together.
For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/
To read the previous Parts I, II and III of this article plus a number of other blog articles about infidelity and affairs, you can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/
Here are 4 more reasons why partners may roam away:
8. Pornography/Fantasy
Pornography is mainly created for men to masturbate to video-graphed sexual imagery. It is pleasurable, easy, private and can become addictive. Once it becomes compulsive, viewing pornography is usually engaged in frequently. As sexual arousal, pleasure and ejaculation are triggered by the sexual video images, this relieves the viewer and then there is less sexual arousal and energy left over for their partner. Soon, the couple may be having very little sex and their partner may seem less desirable and cannot compete with the exaggerated and exciting actors on the screen.
This is a form of emotional infidelity marked by indulgence in unrealistic sexual fantasy. It can also lead to impotence with their partner or, on the other hand, more assertive and bolder acting-out infidelity behaviors as they pursue other outside sexual partners.
9. Sexual Addiction/Compulsion
Some adults have a high need for sexual interaction, more than their partner can provide. These individuals may feel emotionally compelled to have sex with strangers and take risks at doing so. They often do their seeking behavior in secret to seduce new sex partners. Seeking and fulfilling their sexual drive becomes a compulsive behavior. If sexually addicted, they are out of control and cannot help themselves from seeking and relieving their anxiety-driven sexual appetite. These philanderers feel compelled to go outside their partnership for sexual gratification which does not last for very long. Therefore, these escapades become a repetitive behavior. They may also like the challenge and the feeling of domination over multiple new partners or victims.
10. 
Exit Strategy
Instead of leaving their partner and initiating a divorce, some partners have an exploratory affair and almost intentionally get caught in order to set-up conflict which gives them an excuse or enough emotional anger or discomfort to sever or leave a dissatisfying relationship/marriage. Or the “unfaithful one” sets up their partner to get angry and then let the “hurt one” initiate the separation.
This is a strategy to get rejected and avoids being courageous or responsible enough to initiate the break-up. By using this method, they may also appear to be victimized by their partner. This can make the separation more tolerable for the “unfaithful one”.
11. Transition Strategy
A partner may be very unhappy in a relationship however they cannot summon up enough courage to discuss the problem openly or separate. So, they wait until an attractive person comes along with whom they initiate and encourage an affair to occur or “fall in love with”. This new love then gives them the courage and motivation to leave their partner.
They use this method because they cannot manage separating or being alone and lonely. They are needy and dependent upon another person to cling on to and they use this outside person as their “bridge” to a new life.
Often, “transitional relationships” like this eventually fall apart but the temporary relationship they engaged in accomplished their goal of separation.
Are All Partnerships Vulnerable to Infidelity?In reality, yes, all relationships are vulnerable to infidelity, no matter how old or new the relationship is.
As you read above, all marriages and relationships have reasons for an affair. Infidelity can be impulsive. But usually an affair is in the making for a long time before it happens. If one or both partners stop sharing their inner most feelings, thoughts, needs and fantasies, then the relationship starts to gradually deteriorate. The friendship and respect must continue to grow and adapt.
Many affairs are discovered early on. Some continue undetected for many years. And, of course, some affairs are never discovered. Plus, some partners have multiple affairs or “serial affairs”, some of which may be discovered and some never uncovered or known about.
Maintaining a lasting and loving relationship takes effort, time and conscientiousness. Both partners need to be committed to their partnership and prioritize it in their life and repeatedly demonstrate it behaviorally. Partners have to give to one another and help meet one another’s needs. Because we think and feel differently, men must constantly learn more about women and women must persistently discover more about men.
For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at:
http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/
I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/
In the previous article I presented the first 3 reasons why a partner may stray. Here are 4 more of the 15 reasons partners may roam away:
Not all relationships last and many terminate in separation or divorce. For some partners, conflict and withdrawal can be frightening and too much to bear. Rather than confront the problem maturely and directly, a partner may avoid communicating their troubles and then act-out in betrayal rather than daring to discuss their concerns openly. When the affair is uncovered, a blow-up is ignited and this realization forces the couple to deal with their marriage – to improve their relationship or to take steps to separate.
Quietly over time and unbeknownst to the couple or one partner, an emotional distancing may grow between partners. Or the emotional withdrawal may be caused by perpetual conflict that forces one partner to become lonelier and more vulnerable to a new outside connection. Instead of talking about the issue directly or getting into couple therapy, one partner may seek and find support and comfort outside their established relationship. They may enjoy the close connectedness and passion with an outsider. This partner may have lost hope and infidelity may be their way of solving the emotional distance and loneliness.
There are some adults who feel that they deserve to get what they want. They feel like they are important and entitled to more than others get. So, they pursue what they want without much consideration for their partner. Attracting an affair partner may affirm or make them feel wanted, attractive or powerful. When their affair is discovered, these self-centered “unfaithful partners” justify their behavior or blame it on their partner.
Some men or women seek outside sex and relationships because it is exciting for them. They enjoy taking risks and/or deceiving others. Sometimes this involves living a secretive and duplicitous life. For these philanderers, it may feel good to be on the “edge” of danger of being caught. Each successful escapade gives them a positive emotional thrill and creates a positive sense of energy, passion, euphoria and aliveness inside them which they cannot or will not duplicate in their existing marriage/relationship.
Your computer and mobile phone can be an easy conduit to betrayal. Thanks to modern technology, you can break someone’s trust instantly and unintentionally. These days, your partner can be secretly cheating while sitting right next to you in the car!
The cyber or digital world allows for easier and more sexually arousing communication and flirtatious seduction that can be very exciting and alluring. For some, the communication turns into stimulating images and fantasies that motivate making plans to get together, taking risky actions and gaining pleasure from an outside other.
Infidelity is a relationship problem. In couple counseling, you and your partner can learn how to share your inner thoughts and feelings. You can both develop healthier ways to communicate. As a couple in therapy for infidelity, you can discuss the progression of your relationship, the violations, how and why the affair happened, and how to move forward into a more satisfying marriage or partnership.
This type of relationship therapy is not easy work. With the help of an experienced and unbiased guide, you can take the necessary steps to heal and reconnect. It is entirely possible to create a fulfilling new future together.
For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/
I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/
In our contemporary times, it has become harder to define what infidelity is. (See my other “Infidelity/Affairs” blog article entitled “What Is Infidelity?”) There can be many different types of infidelity and methods through which to have an affair. Read my other blog article entitled “How Does a Partner Have an Affair?”.
With all the blurred lines, confusion and uncomfortable realities, we may still find ourselves asking something very fundamental… “Why do partners stray from their partners?”
15 Possible Reasons Why Partners Stray-OffSome of these reasons are understandable. Others are not. And it may be difficult to pinpoint a single reason for a partner to stray. There may be multiple reasons that make a partner susceptible or motivate affair-seeking behavior.
Nevertheless, an affair is usually symptomatic of either an unfulfilling love relationship or deeper psychological problems.
Below are 3 of the total 15 possible reasons outlined in this article about “why” affairs occur. Go to the 3 other follow-up blog articles to discover the full 15 potential reasons and get other information as well.
We humans have a hard time committing and remaining faithful to one partner. For some, there are just too many arousing opportunities that present themselves. These possibilities may stimulate a partner to take real action or a desire may remain in their head as an active and repetitive fantasy.
Not all men are cheaters and not all women are loyal. Although men are far more likely to stray than women, we are all imperfect and can be emotionally drawn into an affair that was unintended and unplanned. An affair might be an impulsive one-time interaction or the contact may be initiated when a partner is intoxicated or actively seduced.
We all have weak, flawed and regrettable moments in our lifetimes when we lose control of our behavior or lose sight of our values and commitments. Discipline slips.
If one or both of your parents cheated, there is an increased likelihood that you will, too. Our parents are powerful role models and they teach us our values. It’s best to be upfront with your partner about this family history. Engaging in couple counseling and discussing this issue in order to avoid replicating your parent’s past behavior can be a very useful step. Don’t keep this a secret. Get it out in the open. Secrets tend to sabotage relationships and can be very destructive.
You can still be in love yet not in lust anymore. One or both partners may experience intimacy deprivation and lose their sexual excitement for the other. For a host of different reasons, some men or women may love their partner but they are not fulfilled sexually or receiving enough intimacy. They hunger for more affection or better sex, or they just want to be held or paid attention to more frequently.
Ultimately, they may get bored or disinterested and then start fantasizing sexual encounters with other mates. After failing to get satisfaction within the relationship, they go outside for fulfillment. They are starving for affection, love and sex.
Sexual compatibility can wither away if not addressed directly and consciously in an attempt to revive the sexual arousal in both partners. If it is not dealt with openly, then it can lead to one or both partners straying.
The “unfaithful partner” is always responsible for their affair behavior. And if the relationship is to be repaired, they must take full responsibility for all of their past behaviors and stop the affair immediately.
However, the “hurt partner” has also, in some ways, contributed to the dissatisfaction and wandering. They failed to notice that their connection was dwindling and/or took no action to revive it.
Usually the love and respect in the marriage or relationship has deteriorated over time and has not been addressed or repaired sufficiently. Both partners did not prioritize keeping their relationship alive and healthy. So, because intimacy deteriorated, both partners are usually and ultimately responsible for the infidelity.
For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/
I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/
“It takes a village to raise a child”. There’s a good reason why that aphorism has endured: it’s true.
Our culture lionizes individual heroes but such a perspective almost always ignores the many people who play a role in the hero’s success. Group collective action is how humans really attain new goals and, for that matter, new heights.
Just remember, in your own life, how important different types of groups have been. All of us have been members of and shaped by groups. You may have participated in: your nuclear family, extended family, classrooms, schools, athletic teams, work groups, social cliques, scouts, bands, orchestras, dormitories, fraternities, sororities, military, etc.
You may have spent many of your best and most important and memorable hours in groups and learned and grew from these various experiences. Groups influence us all and without them we cannot develop and mature. Groups are like food to humans.
Now consider the potential impact of group therapy. Group therapy actually has a long, successful track record. Why? Simply put, because it works. In some cases, it is the best possible choice for anyone seeking support, guidance, recovery and healing. Group therapy is designed to impact you in a positive way.
Now imagine being in a room of relative strangers with a therapist – all of whom are sharing intimate personal details about their lives. Although this may be the most common reason why some people refuse to participate in group therapy, ironically it just may be the best reason to give it a try. Without trying new things and taking risks we do not grow psychologically.
In group therapy, all the members witness interpersonal dynamics as they happen in real time, live. These spontaneous and real-time discussions, disclosures and revelations speak volumes about the current issues in each group member’s life. Group therapy is an effective way to display the kind of interactions that each member lives out in their daily life with family, friends, co-workers, etc.
Each group session also presents an opportunity for each member to practice new behaviors on for size instead of behaving in automatic ways. Shifting creates changes.
Unlike individual therapy, the dynamics are not all about a one-on-one personal relationship or a particular therapeutic style. In a group setting, the members may become more self-aware by observe their own behaviors, thoughts and feelings. They also learn about others and how they compare.
Often, group members are more honest and open in their interactions. As you interact within the group, so much subtle information is being shared through body language, emotional triggers, tone of voice, choice of words, silence, withdrawal and other interactions. These are often quite different than what is displayed in an individual therapy session.
In process groups, you interact with the other members and reveal things about yourself and listen to others talk about their life experiences.
Here are 9 ways in which process therapy groups can be helpful to you:
You may feel shame about the struggles that cause you to start counseling. Left to your own inner critical voice, you may perceive yourself as uniquely flawed and inadequate. You may believe that if anyone really knew what went on in your head you would be immediately rejected. Most of us don’t feel comfortable talking about our unspeakable thoughts and “weird” imaginations to our spouse, siblings or best friend. In a trusted group, you will talk about the unspeakable and free yourself from old fears.
Oddly, there are two types of comfort gained from within a therapy group. First comes the essential realization that others feel as isolated and defective as you do. They have problems but still seem like decent, likable, sane and functional human beings. It can be freeing and comforting to be part of a group seeking to help all of its members.
The second comfort encompasses the warmth of social support. Rather than retreat or isolate yourself due to your fear of stigma and rejection, you and the others in your group will risk coming forward by revealing shameful behaviors, emotions and thoughts – and being accepted.
You become a group member with an unrelenting dual purpose: 1) To be healed and 2) To help others be healed.
Therefore, members take their group experience seriously and they aren’t superficial and they don’t “mess around” during the sessions. They try to listen, be honest, reveal themselves and give helpful feedback to one another. There is nothing else in the world like this type of safe collective support and action.
You can read my other articles about “Group Therapy” here on this blog.
To learn more about my “Group Therapy” services, click on this link: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/group-therapy/
What do I want from you? Well, I want you to stop and consider your life and to direct it toward your personal goals. You only have so much time on earth in that body and psyche of yours. So, why procrastinate and postpone?
Take command and move forward into the life you desire and design! After all, isn’t it your responsibility to make of your life what you will and can? Don’t we all have visions for ourselves to follow and manifest? Doesn’t every human being have a purpose to fulfill on this planet? Can’t we all put in more effort, do better and feel a sense of pride in ourselves?
I believe that we owe it to ourselves to become all that we can become. It feels good and it impacts others in positive ways.
So, be courageous, take chances and make a contribution. Don’t allow yourself to be limited by others, held down by trivial pursuits, or held back by unhealthy habits. Live a life with as few regrets as possible. Live fully!
There are many ways a couple may react and adjust to an uncovered affair. Usually, as soon as the affair is discovered, the relationship immediately goes into an crisis. There are also many different factors that affect the couple’s ability to recover and improve their relationship.
The effect of the affair on the couple depends upon the:
Here are some of the more common outcomes for couples after an affair:
Restoring your love and trust is hard but you will never regret trying to rekindle your love and friendship in infidelity counseling. To work at it builds understanding of one’s self and one’s partner and how relationships work. It is maturing for both partners. Even if the therapy for infidelity fails, it has helped each member to grow, develop and divorce in more peace.
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