Category: Couples/Marital Issues

What Factors Affect the Impact of Infidelity? 

There are many ways a couple may react and adjust to an uncovered affair. Usually, as soon as the affair is discovered, the relationship immediately goes into an crisis. There are also many different factors that affect the couple’s ability to recover and improve their relationship.

The effect of the affair on the couple depends upon the:

• Strength of the love in the relationship
• Level of psychological health and maturity in the relationship
• Genuine ability to engage in therapy for infidelity
• Depth of the deceit and secrecy while having the affair
• Length of the affair
• Number of previous affairs
• Willingness of the unfaithful partner to stop seeing the affair person
• Outside family/social/religious influence on the couple to stay together or separate
• Level of genuine remorse suffered by the unfaithful partner
• Capacity of the hurt partner to accept and forgive
• Whether the hurt partner knows the affair person

What Are the Common Relationship Outcomes of Infidelity?

Here are some of the more common outcomes for couples after an affair:

• Recovery & Improvement – Some partners may work hard in therapy for infidelity to re-build their relationship and rekindle love and trust. Although this involves commitment and struggling with painful emotions and fears, counseling does work and helps couples return to an improved, healthier and more meaningful relationship.

 

• Divorce – A marriage or love relationship may be ended by one of the partners, resulting in separation and divorce. This would definitely affect children, friends and family members. Financial assets and lifestyles are affected. Dreams are shattered and a depressive period is usually experienced before rebuilding one’s life. A partner often loses some friends and family members and they may be criticized for their behavior. For some couples, divorce is a positive outcome of an affair because it separates partners who are unhappy together, not matched well and tend to continually hurt one another. This gives them a chance to start a better and more fulfilling life.

 

• Avoidance & Misery – Some couples stay together after an affair is exposed but their relationship is never the same and usually worse. They may avoid talking about it and  deny it ever happened. However, this attitude of avoidance or pretending can prolong the crisis and sensitivity and it often sets up and allows other affairs and recycles the pain repeatedly. Some couples may continue to live together but one partner may resent and punish the other partner in devious ways. Both partners may start affairs and hurt one another in a revengeful way. The relationship might deteriorate markedly and become colder and more hostile. These partners may never recover emotionally yet live together estranged and distant from one another. Trust, affection, intimacy and sexuality dry up. There are many couples who stay together, unwilling to disconnect, but they are miserable for many years.

 

• Secretive – Some partners feel shamed and keep the infidelity secret from others so that no friends, children or family members know about it. However, the knowledge of the affair may quietly fester in the couple and has its hidden and tragic ways of creating pain and fear. Secrets can be very destructive and are often discovered by others.

 

• Children & Others – In all these situations, children, friends and extended family members usually learn about the affair and have their individual reactions toward the affair partner that cannot be predicted. This can make the relationship more difficult and increase pressure on the couple from the outside.

Choose to Rebuild Your Relationship!

Restoring your love and trust is hard but you will never regret trying to rekindle your love and friendship in infidelity counseling. To work at it builds understanding of one’s self and one’s partner and how relationships work. It is maturing for both partners. Even if the therapy for infidelity fails, it has helped each member to grow, develop and divorce in more peace.

You can read more on infidelity by clicking on the right side bar on the category “Infidelity/Affairs”

You can learn more about my “Therapy for Infidelity” by clicking on this link:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you are overwhelmed by the discovery of an affair in your relationship, Call me at 805-448-5053 for a consult about your situation.

Is Your Marriage/Relationship Resilient Enough?

Can your marriage rebound from an affair? If you found out that your spouse or lover was romantically involved with another person, would that end your relationship? Or, could you both work hard to re-build and re-kindle it.

Don’t under-estimate the damage done to a marriage or relationship by an affair and how long it takes to recover. Betrayal of trust is a very significant violation to the hurt partner and recovery takes time.

Are you both strong enough to take the shock and repair your relationship on your own? Or do you need  therapy for infidelity?

What Are the Possible Impacts of Infidelity?

Below are some psychological, social and physical damage areas that you need to consider and prepare for. An affair can disturb and carry-over into all parts of your life.

Are you both able to survive the potential psychological, social and physical impacts of:

1. Shock & psychological wounding
2. Shattered relationship trust
3. Anger & blame
4. Resentment & insecurity
5. Guilt & shame
6. Depression & anxiety
7. Lost self-esteem & self-confidence
8. Emotional instability
9. Withdrawal of love & affection
10. Separation & divorce
11. Hatred & revenge
12. Loneliness & isolation
13. Damage to children & nuclear family
14. Upset friends & extended family relationships
15. Career damage
16. Lowered lifestyle
17. Psychological impairment
18. Physical/Medical illness

What Happens to Relationships After an Affair?

As you can see from the list above, infidelity has the potential to reach wide and deep. An affair can impact many different aspects of an individual, couple or family’s life. They affect people emotionally, mentally, socially and within the family context. It can lead in many different directions and it has the potential to impact all aspects of a relationship and family. The outcome can vary.

For most U. S. citizens, an affair is considered to be taboo behavior because this behavior goes against our customary beliefs about right and wrong within relationships. An affair is often taken as a serious cultural violation of the marriage and the family. Infidelity is usually not expected and relationships, whether a marriage or a love relationship, are based on trust and commitment.

Many couples survive an affair and improve their relationships. However, affairs can often be quite destructive to individuals, couples, children and families, adults take risks and infidelity is not that uncommon.

What about the Children?

No matter how young or old your kids are, the affair will have a definite emotional impact on them. They will find out, make judgments and never forget it. Your kids will flow in the direction that you both handle the affair – positively or negatively, rebound or collapse.

How do you think they would react to discovering that one of their parents had an affair? Would the impact be temporary or a significant psychological scarring? It would definitely effect them in a deep way. Should you tell them?

What can Be Done to Prevent Unnecessary Damage?

After the affair is discovered, there are a number of things that you can do to make sure further damage is not inflicted:

1. Decide whether or not you can reconcile the betrayal. Can you recover and commit to healing the wound?
2. If you choose to work toward recovery, both partners must commit to being transparent and honest. Can the unfaithful one stop lying, deceiving and keeping secrets?
3. The cheating partner must sever all ties with their affair person, become accountable and demonstrate remorse. Can you cut it off, become responsible for your past behavior and be truly sorry for the damage you have done?
4. Allow the betrayed partner to express their feelings and give them acceptance, support and time to heal. Put no pressure on them to rush toward forgiving. They will “get over it” when they are ready, on their timeline. Can you be patient and take the intensity of their rage, disbelief and questions?
5. Refrain from becoming impulsively revengeful and “getting even”. Can you hold back and not allow yourself to lash out and make others suffer?
6. Find an infidelity therapist and commit to working things out and reviving your relationship. Therapy will help you manage the process of recovery and the intense emotions and accusations. Can you hold on, listen better and communicate on a deeper level?
7. Both partners must eventually accept responsibility for the affair. Can you both own your contributions and rebuild your relationship?
8. Trust the therapy experience to guide you through some very tough experiences. Can you both hang on, learn from this experience and slowly begin to revive your partnership?

If you can commit to these 8 suggestions above, then you will have a chance to successfully rekindle and improve your relationship.

 

See my other blog articles categorized as “Infidelity”.

To know more about my “Therapy for Infidelity” services, click on this web page:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If your relationship problems seem insurmountable, Please Give Me a Call – 805-448-5053. Perhaps I can guide you and your partner toward a happier future.

Follow the Strategies Below to Seek Out an Infidelity Specialist:

It is important to understand that not all couple or marriage therapists are trained or experienced in therapy for infidelity. When consulting a therapist, ask questions about their experience with infidelity counseling and how long they have been doing this specialized type of therapy.

Essentially, it is vital to understand that there are therapists who are well versed in unique approaches developed for effective therapy for infidelity. These proven methods do the most good with the best results. Infidelity specialists can provide a depth of healing you may not find with a therapist who has less experience and knowledge.

So, take some time to evaluate potential therapists before selecting one to choose to work with.

Assess the Therapist’s Attitude Toward Marriage/Relationships

Some therapists are clearly pro-relationship/marriage and against divorce while others are completely neutral about client relationships, making no attempts to encourage either staying together or separating/divorcing.

So, before seeking out a therapist, you both must decide what your relationship goals are. You and your partner are in a sensitive situation with passions and confusion running high. However, you are seeking help for a reason. Your desire to salvage the relationship, if that is your goal, should be stated clearly and honored by the therapist you select.  If you are on the path to divorce, let the therapist know and allow them to help you unwind your relationship.

Assess Your Trust in the Therapist

Being honest and vulnerable about the state of your relationship should never be a problem for you or your therapist. You need to trust your counselor. Be careful to choose a professional who is prepared to help you repair your relationship sensitively and compassionately. Remember that an infidelity therapist might also be a help if either of you needs to heal any past psychological issues that might complicate forgiveness or trigger future problems.

Assess the Therapist’s Ability to Manage Intense Emotions

Intense feelings are ignited and unleashed in the “hurt partner” when an affair is discovered. The “unfaithful partner” may also express intense emotional affect. Therefore, your therapist must be able to manage a high degree of emotional expression and intensity in order to facilitate communication and understanding during the therapy sessions.

And, both partners should also be prepared for and tolerant of heightened emotions expressed openly at home. Things are not the same any more. Behaviors, emotions and ways of communicating have shifted. With infidelity, your lives have now become more unpredictable and volatile. You should be able to trust your therapist and feel comfortable discussing difficult topics, emotions, thoughts and behaviors.

Assess the Therapist’s Ability to Remain Neutral

To be productive during the therapy sessions, you two must sense that you are both able to share safely, without feeling criticized or favored or discriminated against by the therapist in a lopsided manner. Neither of you should feel like the “bad guy”.

The goal of an experienced infidelity therapist is to maintain neutrality, withhold criticism, and help you both eventually accept responsibility for your separate contributions to the fracture in your relationship. Then, as a team, the three of you can work toward understanding and change.

What Should We Beware of When Qualifying an Infidelity Therapist?

Avoid and stay clear of a therapist who:

• Demonstrates any bias or prejudice toward either of you two.
• Criticizes either of you.
• Supports any sort of revenge or shaming.
• Cannot handle the expression of intense emotions.
• Offers a “quick fix” to your problem.

Learn more about my “Therapy for Infidelity” services by clicking here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

For even more specific steps to follow on how to identify, evaluate and find an infidelity therapists near you, click on the link below to read my other blog article entitled “How to Find and Assess an Infidelity Therapist”: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/10/how-do-we-find-and-assess-an-infidelity-therapist/

 

If you believe that I may be of help to you, please contact me soon for a brief and free initial consult by calling –   805-448-5053.

 

 

Do We Need an Infidelity Therapist?

If you are having an affair and feeling very guilty about it or if you are in shock after discovering that your partner has had an affair, then as a couple you probably need therapy in order to re-build your relationship and communication.

Why? Because affairs are very damaging to marriages and love relationships.

But Aren’t the Partners Reacting and Seeing This Dilemma Differently?

Yes, they usually have different perspectives and emotional reactions to a discovered affair.

Discovery of an affair upsets the “hurt” partner on a very deep emotional level especially if they assumed that their relationship was monogamous and had no suspicion that an affair may be occurring. Hurt partners usually feel very shocked and betrayed, suffer with emotional pain and become emotionally less stable. A bleak dark cloud rapidly forms over their entire life. Infidelity can then cause: distrust, withdrawal, anger, resentment, confusion, paranoia, depression, hopelessness, revenge. It destabilizes the marriage and the family relations and communications.

Meanwhile, the “unfaithful” partner may detach and withdraw emotionally from his/her partner and not understand why their partner has become so upset, unreasonable or out-of-control. Or, they may feel very guilty about their “cheating” behavior and how much suffering they have caused in their unsuspecting spouse/partner. They may either stop the affair immediately or continue it and refuse to give up their “affair partner”.

Even If One Partner Is Reluctant, Should We Still Pursue a Therapist?

Yes, because of this complexity and intensity, utilizing the assistance of a professional specialist in infidelity can be a very wise choice for everyone involved. It can pull the partners out of confusion and into understanding and perspective. It can lift a partner out of deep anger and depression and it may also protect the children and family from unnecessary pain and disruption. Therapeutic intervention can prevent further relationship deterioration and distancing.

This is not a journey for most couples to take on their own and, unfortunately, friends, physicians and family members are not equipped to be very helpful. This is probably new territory for both of you and therefore you are not equipped to make it through in a healthy way.

How Do We Start to Find an Infidelity Therapist?

Here’s a brief outline of 9 general steps for partners to take when seeking a therapist:

1. Agree that both partners will participate in therapy.
2. Decide who will make the calls to potential therapists.
3. Identify the names of some local qualified therapists.
4. Call some therapists on your list and have a brief consult on the phone.
5. Schedule an initial appointment if you like how they responded to you.
6. Attend an initial “informational interview” to determine their experience, style and whether or not there is a “good fit”.
7. Determine your possible costs and what benefits to expect from your health insurance company.
8. Make a commitment to start regular sessions with one of the therapists.
9. Make your first appointment with that therapist.

These 9 steps above may take a week or two in order to meet with a few different therapists. Shopping around for a “good match” is acceptable because you want to find somebody you trust, resonate with and can afford.

What Specific Actions Should We Take Now?

Take the following 4 important steps to find the right therapist to work with:

1. Do a Self-Evaluation – Start with yourself before meeting a therapist:

• Identify and write down a list of the impact the affair has had on all involved.
• Ponder and write down the possible causes of this violation.
• Contemplate what type of couple therapist you might prefer: male vs female therapist; small private practice vs large clinic; age of therapist; etc.
• Research the usual or customary costs of psychotherapy in your area.
• Determine if you need your health insurance to pay for treatment. Call your insurance provider for information about benefits.
• Determine how much you are willing to pay out-of-pocket for therapy.

2. Get Referrals – If you don’t know any therapists, you need to ask for recommendations or search online:

• Don’t be shy or ashamed to ask for recommendations.
• Ask close friends or family members especially if they have previous experience with psychotherapy or infidelity.
• Ask your physician or pastor for a referral to someone they trust.
• View the online directory of in-network mental health providers recognized by your health insurance company.
• Check-out suggested therapists online to get more information.

3. What to Look for in an Infidelity Specialist – Consider these qualifications:

• Type of educational degree: Ph.D., Psy.D., MD or MA/MS
• Licensed by the state or working under the license of an agency or as an intern under professional supervision
• Type of license: Psychologist, Social Worker, Physician, Marriage and Family Therapist
• Number of years working as a therapist
• Treatment specialties
• Level of experience with infidelity
• A pledge of valuable and productive sessions
• Good listening skills
• Provision of helpful direction, advice and feedback
• Trustworthy demeanor and presence
• Compassionate and accepting personality

4. Meet Therapists Face-To-Face – Assess the therapist’s style: 

• Did you feel comfortable and trusting of the therapist?
• Did the therapist ask you probing questions about your situation?
• Did the therapist evaluate your situation before recommending therapy?
• Did the therapist offer you hope and an initial treatment plan?
• Did you determine the costs and insurance coverage to expect?
• Will the therapist submit claims to your health insurance company?

If you want information about my “Therapy for Infidelity” services, click here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

To learn more about qualifying therapists, read my article “How Can We Qualify an  Effective Infidelity Therapist?” by clicking on the link below:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/10/how-can-we-qualify-an-effective-infidelity-therapist/

 

Over the past 30 years I have provided therapy for many couples and a good number of infidelity breaches. I’d like to help you both through this ordeal to heal and live a more fulfilling life. Let’s work together to lift you out of the darkness.

Call me soon to schedule an initial consultation session– 805-448-5053.

 

Should We Look for Help?

Are you and your spouse/partner stuck, hurting and confused in the aftermath of an affair? If yes, then you aren’t alone. In fact, many couples like you find themselves reeling and filled with painful emotions, asking, “Now what?”

If it feels like the bottom fell out of the life you built together, then it’s time to seek help. Your relationship will not fix itself over time if this violation is ignored and not attended to.

How Destructive Is an Affair?

Infidelity is one of the most volatile and painful events that can happen to a marriage or love relationship. Affairs create deep damage to couples and they often never recover their closeness and trust without some type of therapeutic intervention.

However, in order to successfully use counseling, you both need to commit to repairing your relationship and to participating in couple therapy for infidelity. Otherwise, your relationship will probably deteriorate, become unhappy and smolder with anger, resentment and distrust.

Why Do Couples Resist Seeking Out Therapy for Infidelity?

After an affair, some couples don’t seek out a therapist  for a number of reasons:

• They deny and minimize the damage of infidelity.
• One partner is afraid and refuses to participate in therapy.
• It makes them feel weak if they need to depend on a professional.
• One partner immediately separates and files for divorced.
• The hurt partner decides to be a miserable victim.
• They both feel hopeless, get depressed and never take action.
• The hurt partner fears abandonment and needs the other partner’s money.
• They fear the relationship may explode and end in divorce.
• They fear that therapy may trigger aggression, arguments or violence.
• One partner is very needy and dependent.
• One partner may feel worthless and non-deserving of an honest relationship.
• One partner threatens to leave if the other one seeks therapy.
• One partner is afraid to uncover other affairs that may have taken place.
• They cannot afford therapy.

As you can see from the list above, there are all sorts of reasons (reasonable and unreasonable) why partners don’t seek therapy after an affair. Usually, it is out of fear of the imagined negative consequences if they engage in therapy.

What Are the Consequences If We Don’t Get Involved in Therapy?

Here’s what’s likely to happen if you do nothing and avoid therapy for infidelity:

• Perpetual arguments and hurtful references to and memories of the infidelity.
• Inability to re-ignite love, affection and intimacy.
• More affairs may occur.
• Eventual separation and divorce.
• Hatred, resentment and/or distrust of the unfaithful partner.
• Unhappy family relations resulting in depression.
• Gradual erosion of the relationship.
• Inability to re-bond or re-attach.

Why Should We Get Started in Therapy for Infidelity?

Although we can predict that counseling will be emotionally intense, it usually activates hope that the relationship can be repaired and re-ignited. Without attending to the breach in trust with some outside assistance, it is doubtful that the relationship will be a happy one far into the future.

Relationships don’t fix themselves. It takes honest effort to keep a relationship alive, loving and gratifying. If you don’t take significant action and avoid therapy, don’t expect things to change for the better in your relationship/marriage.

Therapy for Infidelity May Be Your Best Choice.

Because an affair is so disturbing to the hurt one and so damaging to relationships, you usually won’t be able to work things out satisfactorily on your own.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic or negative, but this type of relationship violation is often too stressful for couples to manage and repair on their own. At best, the spouses/partners may work some things out and make some improvement over time. But, one or both partners may slowly smolder and hold resentments against the other one. This resentment breeds depression, hopelessness, anger, loneliness and unhappiness. And that’s painful – much more painful over an extended period of time than immediately and openly dealing with the affair directly with a trusted therapist.

Marriages and love relationships can be repaired however it takes effort, time and faith. If relationships are not nurtured and attended to, they can dry up, go stale and become boring.

All couples wrestling with infidelity need to decide in what direction they will move – toward improved communication and repair work or into floundering and distrust.

Don’t Be Afraid to Do This Intense Healing Work.

I’m here to help you both and this therapy for infidelity is well worth the effort.

Why? Because otherwise you may end up carrying negative feelings inside yourself for the remainder of your life. Together in counseling, there is a good chance that you can process the pain and pursue the peace and forgiveness in your relationship that you long for.  It may save your relationship.

I am very supportive of marriage and fulfilling love relationships. At times, however, they suffer.

If you want to find out more about my “Therapy for Infidelity”, click on this link: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

If you are interested in finding a therapist, read my other blog article called “How to Find and Assess an Infidelity Therapist”. Click on the link below to visit this article: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/10/how-do-we-find-and-assess-an-infidelity-therapist/

If you want to resolve your infidelity breach, give me a call at 805-448-5053 for an initial consultation.