Category: Infidelity/Affairs

Infidelity counseling has helped many couples to repair and rebuild their partnerships and marriages. Through therapy, partnerships can be revived and become better than they previously were.

 But How Can Therapy Succeed?

An affair is not necessarily a deal-breaker in a relationship. In fact, it may be an opportunity and motivator to improve the partnership.

In order to have success in therapy, both partners must:

1. Commit to improving their relationship
2. Manage intense emotions and communication
3. Commit to being honest
4. Talk about very tough issues in their relationship
5. Tolerate hearing the “truth” from one another
6. Admit to their contributions to setting-up the affair
7. Trust their therapist
8. Assess the pros and cons of staying together
9. Keep working in therapy until trust is re-developed

 What’s the Success Rate of Therapy for Infidelity?

Nobody knows the answer to this question. About 75% of marriages in the USA survive infidelity. That means the couple stays together after an affair is exposed.

However, we don’t know what percentage of those partners engaged in therapy. And we don’t know the quality of their relationships after the affair.

What specialized infidelity therapists do know is that an affair is very disruptive to a partnership and that the repair work, with or without a counselor, is very difficult. To rebuild trust and to be able to forgive the unfaithful partner is very challenging and takes a long period of time for the hurt one to reach.

 Are There Any Rules in Infidelity Therapy?

Most experienced infidelity therapists make certain demands of their clients.

In order to have a chance at success, they ask both partners to commit to the following agreements:

1. The unfaithful partner must cut off all contact with their affair person.
2. The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their transgressions.
3. The unfaithful partner must make an authentic apology to their hurt partner.
4. The unfaithful partner must not rush their hurt partner into healing, trusting or calming down.
5. Both partners must commit to the process of recovery and improvement.
6. The hurt partner must agree not to get revenge on the unfaithful partner and their affair person.
7. The hurt partner must not blame themselves for their partner’s unfaithful behavior.
8. Both partners must take responsibility for their participation in therapy.

Therapy for Infidelity Does Not Always Succeed

Some couples cannot repair their relationships after an affair. Most won’t go to counseling sessions. Some will engage in therapy for a few sessions and then back out. The intensity of the counseling meetings is overwhelming. Or, one or both partners come to the conclusion that they don’t want to rebuild their relationship or marriage. Some partners believe that they will be better off separating.

In most of these cases that cannot improve their relationships, the therapy is not a failure because it helped them to decide that they did not want to put in the energy to rebuild. Perhaps there is no hope left. Some unfaithful partners decide to leave their relationship and return to their affair person.

For many couples, separation can be a positive decision and a healthy outcome because their relationship is not strong or loving. They realize that there is not enough caring left to build upon. For others, the therapy motivates them to leave an abusive or unsatisfying relationship. To part with one another may give them more hope of finding a better lifestyle.

 Give Therapy a Chance to Help You

Your relationship is very valuable and meaningful. You both deserve to give therapy a try in order to understand what happened and why, and to resolve some confusion and emotional pain. You have nothing to lose by trying to work things out in therapy.

Therapy for infidelity will usually have one of two possible outcomes:

1. You will rebuild a trusting relationship.
2. You will decide to separate.

What If We Don’t Engage in Therapy?

You may be able to successfully work things out with your partner and build a fulfilling relationship.

However, you may also make no significant decisions or changes or gain any insight into what happened in the relationship. So, you may get stuck and remain miserable in an non-trusting relationship or marriage simmering with resentment, anger and distrust.

 

For more of my blog information on recovery, therapy for infidelity, the negative impact of infidelity, and the steps to recovery, click on the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2020/04/can-a-partnership-be-revived-after-infidelity-is-discovered/

To view all of my other blog articles on Infidelity and Affairs, click on the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

In order to learn more about my Therapy for Infidelity, click on this link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

Therapy can be very helpful for couples when they uncover an affair. If you want to learn more about it, give me a call at 805-448-5053.

This is Part II of a 2-part blog article.

In Part I, I presented the factors that determine the level of pain in infidelity and how the hurt partner reacts to the discovery of the affair. Here, I will address how the “unfaithful partner” reacts and how therapy for infidelity can be helpful.

 How Do “Unfaithful Partners” React?

Most unfaithful partners never want to get “caught”. They are secretive and don’t want their infidelity to be found out. Why? Because they may feel so alive and exhilarated by the affair that they don’t want to give it up. The affair may have ignited more excitement inside them than they have experienced in a long time. While the affair is active, they have a tendency to be deceptive with their partner.

Usually, they don’t want to hurt their partner and to suffer the consequences of their actions. A few have little feeling for their partner or spouse and they may be very critical of their partner. Most unfaithful partners feel that the affair was something they did that was out of control yet very alluring and gratifying. They may convince themselves that they couldn’t stop it or help themselves from acting out.

Once exposed, unfaithful partners may feel emotionally overwhelmed by their partner’s emotional and behavioral reaction and level of intensity. They may grieve losing their affair partner and feeling so alive. Some unfaithful partners may get angry and resent having to give up their affair partner while also taking the wrath, blame and accusations from their partner.

However, many may also feel a great deal of guilt for hurting their partner. Some unfaithful partners can become very compassionate, open, honest, supportive and loving to their partner. They take full responsibility for the crisis and damage.

The unfaithful partner’s pain may be experienced in several cyclic or contradictory ways. Emotionally, they may also suffer and feel: guilt, anger, shame, embarrassment, contempt, depression, despair, disappointment, desperation, disgust, fear, hate, helplessness, hopelessness, hostility, impatience, irritability, misery, regret, pity, respect, repentance, sorrow and distraught.

They may also fear losing their: job, income, children, home, financial assets, reputation, family members, friends, and their partner/spouse.

Mentally, unfaithful partners are silently and frantically processing a lot of ideas. They may start arguments, defend themselves, try to convince their partner that the affair was meaningless, minimize their actions, protect themselves and rationalize their infidelity behaviors. They may threaten separation or divorce.

So yes, the unfaithful also suffer. For either partner, there is no easy way out.

Can Therapy Help Reduce the Agony of Infidelity?

Yes! The more pain one or both partners are experiencing, the more imperative it is to engage in therapy for infidelity.

Often, counselling with an experienced couple therapist who specializes in affairs will be quite helpful to:

1. Ease the emotional pain
2. Calm the mind
3. Alleviate the crisis and trauma
4. Gain control of overwhelming emotions and impulsive behaviors
5. Open-up communication on a sincere and intimate level
6. Decrease the obsessive and painful thoughts, memories and images
7. Reduce the compulsive seeking and asking for more and more details
8. Develop understanding and perspective on their situation
9. Help partners make tough decisions
10. Increase hope and faith in a better future relationship together
11. Improve a sense of inner security
12. Re-establish trust again
13. Prevent unnecessary separations and divorces
14. Focus on what the couple wants for their future together

However, in the beginning of therapy, participation will heighten pain as emotions are expressed and new information is revealed. The first series of meetings can be very intense because the crisis is still burning. With time, the therapy sessions become more comfortable and less painful.

To return to Part I of this article, click this link:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2020/05/why-is-infidelity-so-painful-part-i/

 

For more information about infidelity, click on this link to read some of my other blog articles: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

To find out more about therapy for infidelity with me, click on this link to my website page:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

You don’t need to suffer needlessly. Call me for a brief consultation to determine if you are ready to start therapy for infidelity. Call 805-448-5053.

This is Part I of a 2-Part blog article.

Here I will address the factors that contribute to the level of pain in infidelity and how “hurt partners” react to infidelity when discovered.

Infidelity has always been a part of the human life experience. Nevertheless, betrayal is painful for the hurt partner and can also be aggravating to the unfaithful partner. Infidelity hurts and that deep pain can burn deep and for a long time.

Factors that Determine the Level of Pain

The level of emotional pain and behavioral reaction of the partners depends on a number of factors in the relationship.

Consider these relationship factors to understand partner reactions to infidelity:

• Length of the partner’s marriage/relationship before the affair is exposed
• Depth of their love for one another
• Level of commitment and trust
• Level of security and openness
• Level of gratification with intimacy, affection and sexuality
• Amount of sharing and communication
• How the affair was discovered
• Extent of deceit, lying and secrecy in the affair
• The extent of intimacy and sexuality in the affair
• Level of knowledge about the affair
• Closeness of the hurt partner to the affair person
• Family history of affairs and monogamy of each partner
• Psychological health and resilience of the partners
• Time length of the affair
• Type of affair
• Amount of attraction and love for the affair person
• Level of dependency and vulnerability of the partners
• Level of drug dependency and abuse of the partners
• Impact on the children
• Age and number of children
• Financial status of the couple
• Impact on the partners’ reputations
• Impact on the partner’s employment and income
• Impact on other extended family members
• Impact on friends
• Ability of the hurt partner to accept the reality of the affair
• Impact on future dreams and plans
• Impact on existing commitments
• Impact on the personal health of the partners

All of these factors outlined above can contribute to the level of pain experienced by the couple. For many partners, discovery of an affair is the most profound challenge they have faced in their relationship and/or their life.

 How Do “Hurt Partners” React?

Most partners in the USA, married or not, believe in commitment, loyalty and monogamy and they view affairs as a major relationship violation. Although each partner knows that other adults betray and have affairs, they usually believe that it will not happen to them. They then assume and expect that their relationship won’t be violated by their partner. The more they believe in this and feel secure in their partnership, the more shattering, disturbing and painful their reaction is upon discovery of the betrayal.

In many hurt men and women, an affair is experienced as a sudden traumatizing event. For them, it can be a nightmare and a crisis of identity and security. They feel totally broad-sided and taken by surprise. They definitely believe that their partner has crossed a moral line and put their relationship and lives in peril.

Hurt partners feel it pierce their gut and heart. Often, they believe that they have been stripped of their personal security and trust in life itself. To them, the entire world may feel as if it has lost its predictability and reliability. They become volatile and feel devalued and unimportant. And they hate being deceived and lied to.

The exposure of an affair can be emotionally, mentally and physically overwhelming and it can overtake them for months or years. They may exhibit symptoms associated to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) including: flashbacks, altered worldview, nightmares, panic attacks, cycles of re-living the experience, recurrent and intrusive memories and dreams, prolonged distress and avoidance, irritability and hyper-vigilance.

The discovery of infidelity can generate intense negative emotions. A broad spectrum of painful emotions can be unleashed, such as: anger, rage, fear, anguish, abandonment, dejection, anxiety, shame, despair, loneliness, misery, outrage, rejection, repulsion, resentment, sadness, grief and torment. Extreme emotional flooding and stress can cause fatigue and illness or exacerbate chronic illness.

Mentally, hurt men and women may become obsessed to find out what happened and incessantly demand facts and detailed information about the affair. Some decide to separate and/or get a divorce. Others might confront the affair person by phone, email, text or in-person. Thoughts of revenge are not uncommon. They may severely judge their partner as self-centered and horrid. And, they may judge themselves as stupid and gullible.

Behaviorally, hurt partners may become demanding, hostile, violent, threatening, accusatory. They may blame their partner and shout and cry. Some leave the home or drive their partner out. Hurt ones may withdraw socially, stop going to work or fulfilling their duties. One partner may demand that they engage in couple therapy. Often, the hurt one may push away or withdraw from their unfaithful partner because they feel so outraged, repulsed and out of control.

As you can see, an affair can trigger intense emotions, ignite disturbing thoughts and drive extreme behaviors. Most hurt partners feel deeply wounded and heart-broken. Their sense of security and normalcy can be shattered. Although their pain may feel permanent, over time the intensity will subside.

 

This is the end of Part I of this 2-part article on Why Is Infidelity So Painful? Part II addresses the pain of the “unfaithful partner” and how therapy for infidelity can help couples overcome this crisis. Click this link below to go to Part II: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2020/05/why-is-infidelity-so-painful-part-ii/

 

 

To see my other blog articles on Infidelity, click on the link below: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/ 

To find out more about my Therapy for Infidelity, click on the link below: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

Let me help you through this crisis. Call me for a brief consultation to determine if you want to engage in therapy for infidelity. Call 805-448-5053.

Is Infidelity a Relationship Deal-Breaker?

Not always. Not all partners automatically separate after an affair is uncovered. What to do is their choice. Although many couples separate and get divorced, others stay together in misery and mistrust. Partners who either keep the affair secret or refuse to talk about it openly have a much higher rate of separation and divorce or they perpetuate their suffering together.

Can the Partnership Be Renewed? 

Yes, often it can be restored even after such an unexpected and upsetting experience. About 75% of marriages in the USA survive an affair and continue in partnership. The couples who discuss and admit to the deceptive behaviors and mutual contributions that set up the affair recover best.

Discovery of an infidelity usually creates a great deal of confusion, upheaval and emotional reactivity. Repairing the damage to the relationship and to each partner is a difficult pathway.

Many complex variables are at play and contribute to the possibility of recovery. Without a strong commitment from both partners, infidelity can destroy a relationship. Both partners must want to work on and improve their relationship. With a strong commitment to staying together, the partnership can often be revived.

Therapy for Infidelity

Infidelity therapy with an empathic and experienced therapist usually yields a higher chance for success in saving relationships and marriages. Therapy takes time, money and a strong determination by both partners to overcome painful obstacles along the way.

The Negative Impact of Infidelity

Relationships and marriages are built on trust. When that basic faith in the other is destroyed then the couple’s trust can be damaged. Not surprisingly, some partnerships cannot be rejuvenated in the face of betrayal.

The inability to repair a relationship may be caused by sudden and persistent psychological factors, such as:

• Loss of self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of security
• Shattered bonding and attachment
• Loss of affection, intimacy and sexuality
• Shock and disbelief
• Psychological trauma impact
• Emotional instability
• Feelings of betrayal and violation
• Hatred and revenge
• Damage to children and nuclear family
• Damage and shame with friends and extended family members
• Deep psychological wounding
• Anger, resentment and blame
• Guilt, shame and embarrassment
• Depression, grief and anxiety
• Disillusionment about life
• Doubt about the worth of the relationship
• Getting stuck in resentment, fear and revenge

 Assess Each Other for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 

Many hurt partners experience PTSD after discovering infidelity. Here are the symptoms to look for:

• Re-playing or re-experiencing events
• Flashbacks
• Intrusive thoughts, memories and dreams
• Intense and prolonged distress

If the hurt partner suffers with PTSD then counseling is definitely recommended.

Challenging Steps that Need to Be Taken to Ensure Recovery

In order to re-build the relationship/marriage, with or without a therapist’s guidance, partners will need to take some significant action steps and struggle with the following:

• Accept that you are in crisis
• Unfaithful partner must end the relationship and stop all communication with their affair partner
• Assess the damage done without minimizing or denying it
• Assess the depth of the trauma experienced by the hurt partner
• Acknowledge that the hurt partner may be traumatized
• Prevent further damage
• Commit to working on a resolution no matter how painful or long it takes
• Create a safe and protected environment for discussions
• Be honest and earnest
• Develop protective ground rules and agreements to abide by
• Unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their affair behavior
• Unfaithful partner must admit to violating, betraying and deceiving
• Unfaithful partner must validate and tolerate the hurt partner’s demands, confusion and intense emotional reactions
• Unfaithful partner must provide sincere apology
• Unfaithful partner must answer questions truthfully
• Unfaithful partner must present facts but not all the sexual details
• Reveal, explain and examine the “affair story” and events
• Acknowledge and understand the causes behind the unfaithful behavior
• Uncover how each partner contributed to the affair
• Acknowledge the surrounding shame, embarrassment, guilt and fear
• Address and process the trauma experienced by the hurt partner
• Expect emotional and behavioral regressions along the path to recovery
• Refrain from keeping secrets, lying, deceiving and exaggerating
• Deal with obstacles and impasses as they arise
• Embrace a positive vision of your future together
• Hurt partner gradually regains emotional control
• Both partners eventually take responsibility for their part in the affair
• Develop a plan for sustaining relationship stability
• Rebuild safety and trust
• Reconciling and re-building the partnership
• Re-emergence of affection, intimacy and sexuality
• Forgiveness is very gradually approached over a long period of time

Seek Therapy for Infidelity

Many couples will not be able to work through this crisis without an experienced psychotherapist who understands and has experience with the relationship rebuilding process. Infidelity provokes a flood of emotions and distracting thoughts. Many partnership and marriages cannot manage the disappointment and emotional intensity on their own without guidance and support.

 

For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you become stuck or find yourself emotionally overwhelmed, please call me at 805-448-5053 to find out more about my therapy for infidelity.

How Do Affairs Happen?

Most of us would probably prefer to talk about something else. But the truth remains – infidelity happens. Thanks to the internet and social media, it’s also becoming easier to meet people and make plans to meet but harder to detect devious behavior.

You might even say that it has also become more difficult to define what infidelity is. What can be defined as an affair? – Sex? A kiss? A prolonged hug? Lunch? Friendship? Phone calls? (see my other “Infidelity/Affairs” blog article entitled “What Is Infidelity?”) Yet, with all the blurred lines and uncomfortable realities, we may still find ourselves asking something very fundamental… “How do partners stray from their partners?”

 

What Does It Mean to “Stray”?

In our American culture, infidelity is usually portrayed as a “betrayal of trust” or “cheating” on one’s monogamous partner by engaging in sexual intercourse with another adult outside the relationship. Of course, this may be true… but it’s just the tip of the infidelity iceberg.

What’s the Impact of “Going Astray”?

A betrayal of trust can only be truly judged by the two partners who originally established their trust and expected monogamy from one another. Some partners/spouses talk openly about their expectations of monogamy and make verbal promises not to stray. However, others never make verbal pledges or commitments to one another and assume that they have entered into a monogamous partnership without discussing it openly.

Cheating is often in the eye of the beholder and it doesn’t always include sexual contact. Some partners/spouses have wider or more flexible boundaries than others and they don’t get so upset by their partner’s wandering eyes or sexualized comments and fantasies. However, there are some partners who have very restrictive boundaries and expectations of their partners. They expect complete abstinence with others and commitment to them alone. They do not tolerate hearing or knowing about their partner’s sexually arousing fantasies regarding people outside their relationship. Some partners don’t become offended or suspicious and upset easily while others are offended and frightened easily. For these partners, being suspicious is agonizing.

How Do Partners “Roam”?

Meanwhile, in the face-to-face real world as well as the long-distant digital smartphone era, the possibilities for attraction, excitation and communication abound. In other words, “straying” or roaming could include many different types of wandering-off behaviors, face-to-face and long distance, whether a couple is married or not.

Going astray activity may include:

• Emotional affairs
• Sexting affairs
• Online/Cyber flirtations
• Sexual Compulsion/Addiction affairs
• Internet Pornography affairs
• Sexual affairs
• Passionate/Impulsive affairs
• Retaliation/Revenge affairs
• Loneliness affairs
• Exit/Transition affairs

Read more about these different types of affair behaviors in my other 4-part blog article by clicking the link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/11/why-do-partners-have-affairs-part-i/

What Is It Like to “Wander-Off”?

Some of these roaming behaviors could be very brief and superficial, lasting only seconds. However, other types of affairs can be very involved including much time, money, secrecy and deception.

Some affairs can be very sexualized, intoxicating and full of emotional passion, deep love or infatuation and involve indulgence in a lot of fantasy. At the same time, there are also other types of roaming behaviors that are meaningless, void of emotion and purely sexual or psychological with little attraction and no desire to be continued.

For the “unfaithful partner”, a prolonged type of affair may be emotionally experienced in a mixture of ways, including painful guilt, self-doubt, anxiety, fear, anguish and shame. Or, on the other hand, they may experience pleasurable emotional excitement, thrills, relief, enchantment, infatuation and love. An affair may support and boost the unfaithful partner’s self-identity or wrack and destroy their self-esteem.

For the “hurt partner”, uncovering an affair can be a devastating and destructive experience. Emotionally they may experience anger, outrage, depression, anxiety, fear, hatred. However, they may eventually feel gratitude and turn their anguish into a growthful and esteem-building experience and rebuild a freer and more satisfying lifestyle.

After and affair is discovered, some marriages and relationship hold together and become better. Others deteriorate and become miserable. And then there are always those marriages/relationships that split apart due to infidelity.

 

Can Therapy for Infidelity Help?

Infidelity is a relationship problem. In therapy, partners learn how to share their inner thoughts and feelings. You and your partner can also develop healthier ways to communicate. As a team, you can process the progression of your relationship and how to move forward.

Therapy for infidelity is not easy work. With the help of an experienced and unbiased guide, you can take the necessary steps for healing and reconnection. It is entirely possible to create a fulfilling new future.

 

To learn “Why Partners Have Affairs”, click on this link below:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/11/why-do-partners-have-affairs-part-i/

For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

I have posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category below: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you want some focused, helpful and confidential therapy for infidelity, please call me at 805-448-5053.

Note: This is Part IV of a four-part series of blog articles. Here I will introduce the 4 final reasons for affairs. In the 3 preceding articles, entitled “Why Do Partners Have Affairs? Part I, Part II and Part III”, I presented the other 11 reasons for infidelity.

15 Possible Reasons Why Partners Stray-Off

Here are the final 4 reasons why a partner may stray away:

12. Retaliation/Revenge

Some partners feel hurt by their partner and use infidelity as a way to get back at their significant other. They want to get caught in the affair as a type of pay-back. It is a form of intentional revenge or retaliation to set-off emotional pain and hurt in their partner. It may be a seen as a way to “turn the table” or reciprocate with “an eye-for-an-eye”. This is immature behavior.

13. Fantasy Fulfillment

Some partners build-up many internal fantasies about sexual gratification with other outside partners. Their imaginations may be created by pornography, self-induced, or dwell on previous sexual relationships. These inner visions may grow and become uncontainable, leading to a partner’s acting-out in an affair or serial affairs. The partner may lose control and try to fulfill fantasies that are often unrealistic and unobtainable.

14. Persistently Unreliable or Untrustworthy

Some partners, unfortunately, simply cannot be trusted. They have affairs and experience little guilt or remorse. Untrustworthy partners may only worry about getting caught. They do not think or care much about the damage they inflict on their partners. They go get what they want and don’t consider the consequences to their partner, children, family or themselves.

These unreliable and immature individuals usually have little compassion or empathy for others. They simply try to fulfill their own self-centered desires and needs regardless of who else may be impacted. Their straying is a symptom of a deeper psychological character flaw that is usually not reversible.

15. Serious Mental Illness

Some partners are so psychologically disturbed that they cannot control their behaviors. They have poor judgment, act impulsively, and their reasoning may be confused and distorted. They simply want to feel good and usually don’t take their partner’s feelings into consideration before having an affair. These mentally ill people can cause a lot of damage in their relationships and with extended family members.

In Summary

Although these 15 reasons do not cover all the explanations for why infidelity occurs, they cover the majority of affairs that are committed. You may find yourself confronted with or living-out one or more of these scenarios. It’s emotionally painful.

Go to Parts I, II and III to read about the other 11 reasons for infidelity. See the links below.

 

How Can Affairs Be Prevented?

Here are 12 helpful steps that you can take to prevent infidelity:

1. Discuss and decide what your boundaries are in your partnership/marriage
2. Discuss and decide what you expect from one another regarding outside relationships
3. Share what your most likely immediate reaction would be upon learning about an affair
4. Discuss how an affair would probably impact each of you and your long-term partnership
5. Keep nurturing your love, affection, sexuality and openness in the relationship
6. Commit to not harboring secrets from one another
7. Set aside regular monthly time for romance and intimacy
8. Discuss values and expectations, needs and wants on a regular basis
9. Prioritize openness, fun and honesty within the relationship
10. Share fantasies about your needs and desires
11. Work with a couple therapist when a partner needs reassurance or to repair a relationship problem
12. Always strive to improve and re-ignite your love for one another

These 12 steps above must be taken regularly over the months and years that you are together. Actions such as these build the glue that holds you together and re-stimulates love and affection. Conscious steps such as these must not be overlooked or you could become distant from one another. And distance, loneliness and deprivation are a set-up for trouble.

Can Therapy for Infidelity Help?

In couple counseling, you and your partner can learn how to share your inner thoughts and feelings. You can both develop healthier ways to communicate. As a couple in therapy for infidelity, you can discuss the progression of your relationship, the violations, how and why the affair happened, and how to move forward into a more satisfying marriage or partnership.

This type of relationship therapy is not easy work. With the help of an experienced and unbiased guide, you can take the necessary steps to heal and reconnect. It is entirely possible to create a fulfilling new future together.

 

For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

To read the previous Parts I, II and III of this article plus a number of other blog articles about infidelity and affairs, you can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you want to understand why your affair occurred, find out how you contributed and improve your relationship, then please call me at 805-448-5053.

Note: This is Part III of a four-part series of blog articles. Here I will introduce 4 more of the reasons for affairs. In the 2 preceding articles plus the follow-up article, entitled “Why Do Partners Have Affairs? Part I, Part II and Part IV”, I present the other 11 reasons for infidelity.

15 Possible Reasons Why Partners Stray-Off

Here are 4 more reasons why partners may roam away:

8. Pornography/Fantasy

Pornography is mainly created for men to masturbate to video-graphed sexual imagery. It is pleasurable, easy, private and can become addictive. Once it becomes compulsive, viewing pornography is usually engaged in frequently. As sexual arousal, pleasure and ejaculation are triggered by the sexual video images, this relieves the viewer and then there is less sexual arousal and energy left over for their partner. Soon, the couple may be having very little sex and their partner may seem less desirable and cannot compete with the exaggerated and exciting actors on the screen.

This is a form of emotional infidelity marked by indulgence in unrealistic sexual fantasy. It can also lead to impotence with their partner or, on the other hand, more assertive and bolder acting-out infidelity behaviors as they pursue other outside sexual partners.

9. Sexual Addiction/Compulsion

Some adults have a high need for sexual interaction, more than their partner can provide. These individuals may feel emotionally compelled to have sex with strangers and take risks at doing so. They often do their seeking behavior in secret to seduce new sex partners. Seeking and fulfilling their sexual drive becomes a compulsive behavior. If sexually addicted, they are out of control and cannot help themselves from seeking and relieving their anxiety-driven sexual appetite. These philanderers feel compelled to go outside their partnership for sexual gratification which does not last for very long. Therefore, these escapades become a repetitive behavior. They may also like the challenge and the feeling of domination over multiple new partners or victims.

10. Exit Strategy

Instead of leaving their partner and initiating a divorce, some partners have an exploratory affair and almost intentionally get caught in order to set-up conflict which gives them an excuse or enough emotional anger or discomfort to sever or leave a dissatisfying relationship/marriage. Or the “unfaithful one” sets up their partner to get angry and then let the “hurt one” initiate the separation.

This is a strategy to get rejected and avoids being courageous or responsible enough to initiate the break-up. By using this method, they may also appear to be victimized by their partner. This can make the separation more tolerable for the “unfaithful one”.

11. Transition Strategy

A partner may be very unhappy in a relationship however they cannot summon up enough courage to discuss the problem openly or separate. So, they wait until an attractive person comes along with whom they initiate and encourage an affair to occur or “fall in love with”. This new love then gives them the courage and motivation to leave their partner.

They use this method because they cannot manage separating or being alone and lonely. They are needy and dependent upon another person to cling on to and they use this outside person as their “bridge” to a new life.

Often, “transitional relationships” like this eventually fall apart but the temporary relationship they engaged in accomplished their goal of separation.

Go to Parts I, II and IV to read about the other 11 reasons for infidelity. See the links below.

 

Are All Partnerships Vulnerable to Infidelity?

In reality, yes, all relationships are vulnerable to infidelity, no matter how old or new the relationship is.

As you read above, all marriages and relationships have reasons for an affair. Infidelity can be impulsive. But usually an affair is in the making for a long time before it happens. If one or both partners stop sharing their inner most feelings, thoughts, needs and fantasies, then the relationship starts to gradually deteriorate. The friendship and respect must continue to grow and adapt.

Many affairs are discovered early on. Some continue undetected for many years. And, of course, some affairs are never discovered. Plus, some partners have multiple affairs or “serial affairs”, some of which may be discovered and some never uncovered or known about.

Maintaining a lasting and loving relationship takes effort, time and conscientiousness. Both partners need to be committed to their partnership and prioritize it in their life and repeatedly demonstrate it behaviorally. Partners have to give to one another and help meet one another’s needs. Because we think and feel differently, men must constantly learn more about women and women must persistently discover more about men.

 

If you want to read Part IV, click this link: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/11/why-do-partners-have-affairs-part-iv/

For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at:

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you want to understand why your affair occurred and improve your relationship, then please call me at 805-448-5053.

Note: This is Part II of a four-part series of blog articles. Here I will introduce 4 more of the reasons for affairs. In the preceding article Part I plus the 2 other follow-up articles Parts III and IV, entitled “Why Do Partners Have Affairs? Part I, Part III and Part IV”, I will present the remaining reasons for infidelity.

15 Possible Reasons Why Partners Stray-Off

In the previous article I presented the first 3 reasons why a partner may stray. Here are 4 more of the 15 reasons partners may roam away:

4. Conflict Avoidance

Not all relationships last and many terminate in separation or divorce. For some partners, conflict and withdrawal can be frightening and too much to bear. Rather than confront the problem maturely and directly, a partner may avoid communicating their troubles and then act-out in betrayal rather than daring to discuss their concerns openly. When the affair is uncovered, a blow-up is ignited and this realization forces the couple to deal with their marriage – to improve their relationship or to take steps to separate.

5. Emotional Distance/Loneliness

Quietly over time and unbeknownst to the couple or one partner, an emotional distancing may grow between partners. Or the emotional withdrawal may be caused by perpetual conflict that forces one partner to become lonelier and more vulnerable to a new outside connection. Instead of talking about the issue directly or getting into couple therapy, one partner may seek and find support and comfort outside their established relationship. They may enjoy the close connectedness and passion with an outsider. This partner may have lost hope and infidelity may be their way of solving the emotional distance and loneliness.

6. Entitlement/Narcissism

There are some adults who feel that they deserve to get what they want. They feel like they are important and entitled to more than others get. So, they pursue what they want without much consideration for their partner. Attracting an affair partner may affirm or make them feel wanted, attractive or powerful. When their affair is discovered, these self-centered “unfaithful partners” justify their behavior or blame it on their partner.

7. Thrill Seeking

Some men or women seek outside sex and relationships because it is exciting for them. They enjoy taking risks and/or deceiving others. Sometimes this involves living a secretive and duplicitous life. For these philanderers, it may feel good to be on the “edge” of danger of being caught. Each successful escapade gives them a positive emotional thrill and creates a positive sense of energy, passion, euphoria and aliveness inside them which they cannot or will not duplicate in their existing marriage/relationship.

 

Go to Parts I, III and IV to read about the other 11 reasons for infidelity. See the link below.

 

Devices Make Affairs Easier to Commit

Your computer and mobile phone can be an easy conduit to betrayal. Thanks to modern technology, you can break someone’s trust instantly and unintentionally. These days, your partner can be secretly cheating while sitting right next to you in the car!

The cyber or digital world allows for easier and more sexually arousing communication and flirtatious seduction that can be very exciting and alluring. For some, the communication turns into stimulating images and fantasies that motivate making plans to get together, taking risky actions and gaining pleasure from an outside other.

 

Can Therapy for Infidelity Help?

Infidelity is a relationship problem. In couple counseling, you and your partner can learn how to share your inner thoughts and feelings. You can both develop healthier ways to communicate. As a couple in therapy for infidelity, you can discuss the progression of your relationship, the violations, how and why the affair happened, and how to move forward into a more satisfying marriage or partnership.

This type of relationship therapy is not easy work. With the help of an experienced and unbiased guide, you can take the necessary steps to heal and reconnect. It is entirely possible to create a fulfilling new future together.

 

To read Part III, click this link: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/11/why-do-partners-have-affairs-part-iii/

For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you want to understand why your affair occurred and improve your relationship, then please call me at 805-448-5053.

Note: This is Part I of a four-part series of blog articles. Here I will introduce 3 of the reasons for affairs. In the 3 follow-up articles, entitled “Why Do Partners Have Affairs? Part II, Part III and Part IV”, I will present the remaining 15 reasons for infidelity.

Why Do Partners “Stray”?

In our contemporary times, it has become harder to define what infidelity is. (See my other “Infidelity/Affairs” blog article entitled “What Is Infidelity?”) There can be many different types of infidelity and methods through which to have an affair.  Read my other blog article entitled “How Does a Partner Have an Affair?”.

With all the blurred lines, confusion and uncomfortable realities, we may still find ourselves asking something very fundamental… “Why do partners stray from their partners?”

15 Possible Reasons Why Partners Stray-Off

Some of these reasons are understandable. Others are not. And it may be difficult to pinpoint a single reason for a partner to stray. There may be multiple reasons that make a partner susceptible or motivate affair-seeking behavior.

Nevertheless, an affair is usually symptomatic of either an unfulfilling love relationship or deeper psychological problems.

Below are 3 of the total 15 possible reasons outlined in this article about “why” affairs occur. Go to the 3 other follow-up blog articles to discover the full 15 potential reasons and get other information as well.

1. Partners Are Human and Can Be Impulsive

We humans have a hard time committing and remaining faithful to one partner. For some, there are just too many arousing opportunities that present themselves. These possibilities may stimulate a partner to take real action or a desire may remain in their head as an active and repetitive fantasy.

Not all men are cheaters and not all women are loyal. Although men are far more likely to stray than women, we are all imperfect and can be emotionally drawn into an affair that was unintended and unplanned. An affair might be an impulsive one-time interaction or the contact may be initiated when a partner is intoxicated or actively seduced.

We all have weak, flawed and regrettable moments in our lifetimes when we lose control of our behavior or lose sight of our values and commitments. Discipline slips.

2. Family History

If one or both of your parents cheated, there is an increased likelihood that you will, too. Our parents are powerful role models and they teach us our values. It’s best to be upfront with your partner about this family history. Engaging in couple counseling and discussing this issue in order to avoid replicating your parent’s past behavior can be a very useful step. Don’t keep this a secret. Get it out in the open. Secrets tend to sabotage relationships and can be very destructive.

3. Sexual Incompatibility/Dissatisfaction

You can still be in love yet not in lust anymore. One or both partners may experience intimacy deprivation and lose their sexual excitement for the other. For a host of different reasons, some men or women may love their partner but they are not fulfilled sexually or receiving enough intimacy. They hunger for more affection or better sex, or they just want to be held or paid attention to more frequently.

Ultimately, they may get bored or disinterested and then start fantasizing sexual encounters with other mates. After failing to get satisfaction within the relationship, they go outside for fulfillment. They are starving for affection, love and sex.

Sexual compatibility can wither away if not addressed directly and consciously in an attempt to revive the sexual arousal in both partners. If it is not dealt with openly, then it can lead to one or both partners straying.

Go to Parts II, III and IV to read about the other 12 reasons for infidelity. See the link below.

 

Who’s Responsible for the Affair?

The “unfaithful partner” is always responsible for their affair behavior. And if the relationship is to be repaired, they must take full responsibility for all of their past behaviors and stop the affair immediately.

However, the “hurt partner” has also, in some ways, contributed to the dissatisfaction and wandering. They failed to notice that their connection was dwindling and/or took no action to revive it.

Usually the love and respect in the marriage or relationship has deteriorated over time and has not been addressed or repaired sufficiently. Both partners did not prioritize keeping their relationship alive and healthy. So, because intimacy deteriorated, both partners are usually and ultimately responsible for the infidelity.

 

If you want to read Part II, click this link: 

http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/11/why-do-partners-have-affairs-part-ii/

For more information about “Therapy for Infidelity”, please visit my web page at:  http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/

I have also posted a number of other articles about infidelity and affairs on this blog. You can find them by clicking on the blog category here: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/category/therapy-for-infidelity/

 

If you want to understand why your affair occurred, take responsibility for your possible contribution to the infidelity, and improve your relationship, then please call me at 805-448-5053.